day 8

full moon tonight!

what does this mean for my vocal meditation? i had a lot of excess mental thought energy weaving in and out of the meditation. however, when i first sat down i felt my inner body and how extremely still it was. there was such a deep peace that i was just happy to notice this. this has become one of my "markers" of how relaxed i am and how stable my nervous system is becoming or at least gaining more of an ability to stabilize itself after the day in the crazy city of oakland.

my voice was soft tonight as its late and i didn't want to wake my roommates up. but there was a real ease with which the sounds were flowing out.

i explored mah, shanti, o and mostly just AH. there wasn't a lot of intention tonight. i started having a whole conversation about what the point of doing this 40 day vocal meditation is. would it be somehow more meaningful if I started out with some definitive intention to manifest something? to pray for a certain thing and see what transpires? should i read some more books on what the best methods of vocal meditation are to get the "results i desire"... blah blah blah, monkey mind.... blah blah blah. and then i just said, emily, all you're doing here is exploring the voice and seeing what happens each day. if you want to create a more concrete intention than you can. you only are 8 days into this thing. just chill out and honor the full moon and sing shanti. ahhh, ok simple enough.

this is my process... is what i am doing "enough"? not usually for my ego. but this is part of what might be broken through, through this process. this incessant feeling of nothing ever being enough to satisfy my ego.

so i returned back to compassion. ah, my dear friend who is becoming a closer ally everyday. i am making friends with my buddy compassion who is, what? still right there for me. after not paying attention to it for many years, compassion is starting to make its way deeper and deeper into my being in a way that is a surprise to me. yeh! i love surprises!

i am signing off now. full moon HOWL...!