05 October 2016

Fierce Grace

Fall is upon us! The days are growing shorter, the leaves are falling and there is an even deeper turning inward. 

Yesterday morning I spent some time in my backyard watching birds. There were crows circling high, finches playing on the low branches in the trees and then there was my cat and me standing on the earth, watching them in wonder. I realized that it had been a while since I just stopped and really took in nature in this way.

It was not until today that I realized the significance of this scene. We all play in different places. We all have different vantage points and those vantage points are constantly shifting. The different vantage point we are currently standing in affects our perspective on everything. It affects what we can and cannot see and the way we perceive whatever is in our direct line of vision. There is a lot more going on out there (and in here) then we can perceive at first glance.

I have been contemplating the themes of optimism and pessimism a lot recently. These are very different orientations and depending on which one I am activating, I can either feel good or not feel so good. I have considered myself both at various times in my life. More recently I have been turning more towards optimism and in raising my vibrational frequency and seeing how there is actual resistance to feeling good for extended periods of time. There are unconscious judgments around just being ok. If my goal is to thrive then I first need to really feel solid in feeling good as much as I can more of the time.

What vantage point are you standing at today? What is your perspective allowing you to see? What images or things are in your line of vision that may be hiding treasures just behind them? If you move your orientation in the world are you able to see a situation, a person, a relationship differently?

It's helpful to try on different perspectives so that our brains stay fresh and the grooves don't get so deep. It's important that I don't get "set in my ways" so I like to remain as flexible around different perspectives as I can. When I let go of the attachment to seeing things my way or having an agenda to being "right" then the world seems to open it and I feel free. I let everything else be free too.

The moments when I deeply feel this freedom is being is fierce grace. I am grateful for these moments even if fleeting.

18 July 2016

I Will Not Forget About You

For anyone who has done "inner child" work you know that this is deep work... what follows is a true story of how we are the ones we have been waiting for.

Today I reclaimed a part of myself that I had been unconsciously neglecting for too long. For years I have had this theme running through my head and heart - "no one is coming for me". Someone always comes and saves other people, but no one will ever come for me. At first this desire/longing wasn't a conscious one. As with most things, it was so subtle that I didn't realize how central a role it had been playing in my decisions on a day to day, moment to moment basis. This underlying agenda to be saved, to be rescued by some outside force (preferably a beautiful man with long blond hair riding on a white horse ; )...) had been creating a momentum in a direction that left me in a disempowered state of living. i was at the mercy of this person showing up and i kept waiting. meanwhile, years are passing... friends are getting married, having babies, buying houses, living the life that I thought I would be living someday. well, that someday hasn't come for me. and the savior on the white horse didn't come either.

so much frustration and grief in this waiting... i know he must be showing up soon. I am a good person. I am honest. I am loving. I am smart. I am talented. I am beautiful. I am funny. I have a good voice. I am not crazy. I don't take any meds. I eat organic and I make my own almond milk. I am a good cook. I have done so much inner work. I have my shirt more together than most other people and they have all found their "person", their "savior"... Surely, he must be coming soon. I will just keep looking and waiting and looking and waiting and looking and searching... because I know he must be coming soon. maybe he doesn't know what I look like? hmmm. what the hell is the problem here?

Today I realized who wanted to be saved. It was not my adult woman self that needed saving. It was not the woman in me who needs a man to complete her to be happy and fulfilled. No... the one who always needed to be saved was my little one. Not my inner 5 year old. No, the much younger one. The 1 1/2 year old who got lost in the woods in Southern Illinois. The trauma of this early childhood experience has been with me my whole life. the fear and anxiety of this experience has been locked in my body since the night it happened... I unpacked some of it through therapy over the last few years. I did a 10 minute performance art piece on it which gave her a voice, gave her some stage time and attention. but she has been needing something more from me. she needed me, my adult woman self to rescue her from the woods. a part of me never left those woods. i couldn't. I needed my help. all these years I had been waiting for someone to come save me, never fucking realizing that I was the one I was waiting for. the profound realization of this hit fucking deep today. so many tears. so much pain. so much fear. my little one was waiting for me this whole time and I just didn't know.

So, today I took her back. I found her and rescued her from the dark woods. I told her I wouldn't ever leave her or forget to pay attention to her. I promised I would sing to her. I would write lullabies for her. She told me she would help me pick a man who was really good for me. A man who was really nice and who would take care of me. not in a father kind of way, but in a loving mutual caring kind of a way. I trust that through her eyes and through mine we can be in the world again in a safe way. now that I have her with me, I feel more whole. i feel together with myself.

My heart feels more peaceful. I trust myself in a deeper way than I ever have before. I kept saying today, "I got you. I got you". And she knows I do. This was all I / She needed, was for me to pay attention to her and let her know I am taking care of her. I got you little one. I got you.

07 September 2014

21 Day Detox and Embodied Love Reboot Blog

Today I am preparing for what I am referring to as the 21-Day Detox and Embodied LOVE Reboot!

In preparation I am going shopping today for supplies such as a dry body brush, castor oil, and all the food for the first 7 days of the program.

I am following a detox guide I purchased from Brandon Walloff called the Health Crunch Detox Guide 2. The Health Crunch Summer Detox Program runs for 15 days but I am extending my total program to 3 weeks as I have learned that implementing real change happens if I commit to something for 21 days consecutively.

I am titling this an Embodied Love Reboot because my intention is to ground deeper into self love while paying attention to ALL aspects of the self that need tending to. The purification and detox applies to my thoughts, my actions, activity levels, the way I talk to myself, the way I speak to others, who I interact with, what I am eating, what movement I am choosing to participate in, what I am paying attention to, etc... I am basically making this as holistic as a program for myself as possible to see and explore the potential life changing results. I also plan to spend less time on the electronics and more time in nature! I intend to balance out my nervous system through this process which is something that going into quiet places in nature helps me to do immediately. And of course I will be integrating the healing power of sound and meditation into my daily practices.

Why am I inspired to do this?
This is stemming from a desire to cultivate deep and abiding Self Love, to bring the focus of my life back to my heart and to tend to my inner experience which is the only thing I have "control" over. I put control in parenthesis because in the context of existential or ultimate truth I am still in an inquiry as to who or what actually has control and is living this life through the vessel which is my physical being.

I am also doing this a gift to myself while I have time in my schedule. My work situation has been dissolving and there seems to be blocks or something to my professional life actually progressing in a tangible way, therefore I have the time and the drive to transform through purifying the self in order to become a clean slate for clearer insights, directions, guidance, etc.

The third major reason I am doing this is to give me an outlet for my Writing / Blogging / Journaling desires. I love to write and haven't been inspired or moved to write about anything in particular for the last few months. The detox gives me a daily focus to report on and to share my personal story about something that hopefully a lot of others can relate to or find useful in their own healing journeys.

I am committed to personal growth, transformation, heart opening, and ever increasing states of consciousness. Through this detox my intention is to have a gentle yet effective and holistic detox, change the current way I speak to myself into the voice of a loving friend and ally, to clear old wounds, to melt grievances currently blocking my hearts fullest ability to give and receive love, to increase my self confidence, worth and value, and ultimately to remember the truth of what I am: LOVE and LIGHT.

When I drop into remembering what I came from, I know it was pure energy, the source of which was love, light and vibration. Being in this physical form recently has been a real challenge for me and I am needing support. I am committed to dissolving shame around what it means to be human, to need help, and I am recognizing that I am in fact not an island. I am humbled by friends who have stepped up to help me over the past few weeks. I am in a chrysalis right now, again. I feel messy and unraveled and undone. I have been here before on a different rung of the spiral. This is the place inside that propels me to transform, to uplevel to a new place. I activate prayers to the angels, to my guides, my ancestors, my power animals, mother Earth, father Sky, to my friends and family that they may support me emotionally as I commence on this exciting journey.


Specific Medicine and Guides I am calling upon: 
The four directions
Archangel Michael and Ariel
Mother Mary
Spider medicine
Elder Bob
The aspect of Discipline
Praying with Tobacco
My coaches
Prayer and vocal meditation
Love, Light and Vibration

23 February 2014

The storyteller, the weaver and the great mystery

I here you still
I am returning
the map’s been lost and I’ve forgotten how I got here
it may take me lifetimes but I know you’ll wait

I am returning to you. You
which gently pulls at my heart strings and writes me,
dreams me at night

I awake fully formed again, the storyteller,
the weaver of my life

I’ve never felt so close to you
great mystery. raven energy
wings at my back
I will soar off this vast cliff to
spiral back into union with you

When this soul rests
it is compelled to create in any way it can.
The silence invites poetry and drawings for my beloved

Why so many things after “I”?
The primordial mystery of beingness  
creativity follows stillness
love follows freedom
freedom follows love
more open hand
all things