For anyone who has done "inner child" work you know that this is deep work... what follows is a true story of how we are the ones we have been waiting for.
Today I reclaimed a part of myself that I had been unconsciously neglecting for too long. For years I have had this theme running through my head and heart - "no one is coming for me". Someone always comes and saves other people, but no one will ever come for me. At first this desire/longing wasn't a conscious one. As with most things, it was so subtle that I didn't realize how central a role it had been playing in my decisions on a day to day, moment to moment basis. This underlying agenda to be saved, to be rescued by some outside force (preferably a beautiful man with long blond hair riding on a white horse ; )...) had been creating a momentum in a direction that left me in a disempowered state of living. i was at the mercy of this person showing up and i kept waiting. meanwhile, years are passing... friends are getting married, having babies, buying houses, living the life that I thought I would be living someday. well, that someday hasn't come for me. and the savior on the white horse didn't come either.
so much frustration and grief in this waiting... i know he must be showing up soon. I am a good person. I am honest. I am loving. I am smart. I am talented. I am beautiful. I am funny. I have a good voice. I am not crazy. I don't take any meds. I eat organic and I make my own almond milk. I am a good cook. I have done so much inner work. I have my shirt more together than most other people and they have all found their "person", their "savior"... Surely, he must be coming soon. I will just keep looking and waiting and looking and waiting and looking and searching... because I know he must be coming soon. maybe he doesn't know what I look like? hmmm. what the hell is the problem here?
Today I realized who wanted to be saved. It was not my adult woman self that needed saving. It was not the woman in me who needs a man to complete her to be happy and fulfilled. No... the one who always needed to be saved was my little one. Not my inner 5 year old. No, the much younger one. The 1 1/2 year old who got lost in the woods in Southern Illinois. The trauma of this early childhood experience has been with me my whole life. the fear and anxiety of this experience has been locked in my body since the night it happened... I unpacked some of it through therapy over the last few years. I did a 10 minute performance art piece on it which gave her a voice, gave her some stage time and attention. but she has been needing something more from me. she needed me, my adult woman self to rescue her from the woods. a part of me never left those woods. i couldn't. I needed my help. all these years I had been waiting for someone to come save me, never fucking realizing that I was the one I was waiting for. the profound realization of this hit fucking deep today. so many tears. so much pain. so much fear. my little one was waiting for me this whole time and I just didn't know.
So, today I took her back. I found her and rescued her from the dark woods. I told her I wouldn't ever leave her or forget to pay attention to her. I promised I would sing to her. I would write lullabies for her. She told me she would help me pick a man who was really good for me. A man who was really nice and who would take care of me. not in a father kind of way, but in a loving mutual caring kind of a way. I trust that through her eyes and through mine we can be in the world again in a safe way. now that I have her with me, I feel more whole. i feel together with myself.
My heart feels more peaceful. I trust myself in a deeper way than I ever have before. I kept saying today, "I got you. I got you". And she knows I do. This was all I / She needed, was for me to pay attention to her and let her know I am taking care of her. I got you little one. I got you.
