Fierce Grace

Fall is upon us! The days are growing shorter, the leaves are falling and there is an even deeper turning inward. 

Yesterday morning I spent some time in my backyard watching birds. There were crows circling high, finches playing on the low branches in the trees and then there was my cat and me standing on the earth, watching them in wonder. I realized that it had been a while since I just stopped and really took in nature in this way.

It was not until today that I realized the significance of this scene. We all play in different places. We all have different vantage points and those vantage points are constantly shifting. The different vantage point we are currently standing in affects our perspective on everything. It affects what we can and cannot see and the way we perceive whatever is in our direct line of vision. There is a lot more going on out there (and in here) then we can perceive at first glance.

I have been contemplating the themes of optimism and pessimism a lot recently. These are very different orientations and depending on which one I am activating, I can either feel good or not feel so good. I have considered myself both at various times in my life. More recently I have been turning more towards optimism and in raising my vibrational frequency and seeing how there is actual resistance to feeling good for extended periods of time. There are unconscious judgments around just being ok. If my goal is to thrive then I first need to really feel solid in feeling good as much as I can more of the time.

What vantage point are you standing at today? What is your perspective allowing you to see? What images or things are in your line of vision that may be hiding treasures just behind them? If you move your orientation in the world are you able to see a situation, a person, a relationship differently?

It's helpful to try on different perspectives so that our brains stay fresh and the grooves don't get so deep. It's important that I don't get "set in my ways" so I like to remain as flexible around different perspectives as I can. When I let go of the attachment to seeing things my way or having an agenda to being "right" then the world seems to open it and I feel free. I let everything else be free too.

The moments when I deeply feel this freedom is being is fierce grace. I am grateful for these moments even if fleeting.

I Will Not Forget About You

For anyone who has done "inner child" work you know that this is deep work... what follows is a true story of how we are the ones we have been waiting for.

Today I reclaimed a part of myself that I had been unconsciously neglecting for too long. For years I have had this theme running through my head and heart - "no one is coming for me". Someone always comes and saves other people, but no one will ever come for me. At first this desire/longing wasn't a conscious one. As with most things, it was so subtle that I didn't realize how central a role it had been playing in my decisions on a day to day, moment to moment basis. This underlying agenda to be saved, to be rescued by some outside force (preferably a beautiful man with long blond hair riding on a white horse ; )...) had been creating a momentum in a direction that left me in a disempowered state of living. i was at the mercy of this person showing up and i kept waiting. meanwhile, years are passing... friends are getting married, having babies, buying houses, living the life that I thought I would be living someday. well, that someday hasn't come for me. and the savior on the white horse didn't come either.

so much frustration and grief in this waiting... i know he must be showing up soon. I am a good person. I am honest. I am loving. I am smart. I am talented. I am beautiful. I am funny. I have a good voice. I am not crazy. I don't take any meds. I eat organic and I make my own almond milk. I am a good cook. I have done so much inner work. I have my shirt more together than most other people and they have all found their "person", their "savior"... Surely, he must be coming soon. I will just keep looking and waiting and looking and waiting and looking and searching... because I know he must be coming soon. maybe he doesn't know what I look like? hmmm. what the hell is the problem here?

Today I realized who wanted to be saved. It was not my adult woman self that needed saving. It was not the woman in me who needs a man to complete her to be happy and fulfilled. No... the one who always needed to be saved was my little one. Not my inner 5 year old. No, the much younger one. The 1 1/2 year old who got lost in the woods in Southern Illinois. The trauma of this early childhood experience has been with me my whole life. the fear and anxiety of this experience has been locked in my body since the night it happened... I unpacked some of it through therapy over the last few years. I did a 10 minute performance art piece on it which gave her a voice, gave her some stage time and attention. but she has been needing something more from me. she needed me, my adult woman self to rescue her from the woods. a part of me never left those woods. i couldn't. I needed my help. all these years I had been waiting for someone to come save me, never fucking realizing that I was the one I was waiting for. the profound realization of this hit fucking deep today. so many tears. so much pain. so much fear. my little one was waiting for me this whole time and I just didn't know.

So, today I took her back. I found her and rescued her from the dark woods. I told her I wouldn't ever leave her or forget to pay attention to her. I promised I would sing to her. I would write lullabies for her. She told me she would help me pick a man who was really good for me. A man who was really nice and who would take care of me. not in a father kind of way, but in a loving mutual caring kind of a way. I trust that through her eyes and through mine we can be in the world again in a safe way. now that I have her with me, I feel more whole. i feel together with myself.

My heart feels more peaceful. I trust myself in a deeper way than I ever have before. I kept saying today, "I got you. I got you". And she knows I do. This was all I / She needed, was for me to pay attention to her and let her know I am taking care of her. I got you little one. I got you.