tonights vocal med was challenging. i had a lot of resistance to just sitting down to do it. this might be especially due to the previous day's session not being in the traditional spot that i have been doing it but who knows.
the candle i lit was flickering so much it was making me dizzy and i ended up blowing it out. my senses seem to be on overdrive these days. usually i love staring at the still flame and it becomes part of the meditation but tonight it was distracting and dizzily dancing in front of me...
i arrived at chanting: om namo bhagavate vasudevaya. interesting that this is what found its way to my lips because this chant means liberation and is used as a way of attaining freedom. freedom from resistance is what I am ultimately seeking. being resistant to any experience is the root of suffering in my experience. when somewhere in the body or mind or emotional body, there is a NO to what is occurring in that moment there is suffering. there is a fighting or an opposition to directly what is actually occurring.
i also felt a lot of anger rise up in me towards the end. anger that needs to be sung out and released so that it doesn't become toxic in my body.
so i turned to compassion. more tears at the remembrance that compassion is accessible to me always. i just need to slow down and remember that it's there. a resource. an endless well upon which to drink from and nourish all the layers of my being.
i am remembering now that i love to write. i love to blog. maybe that is partially what this vocal meditation is showing me. i used to journal everyday in high school. i have saved all of my journals. there are lots... filled with a lot of the same themes, love, loss, sadness, processing relationships, etc... but this blog is giving me another vehicle to express and write and give myself permission to be human. i am human being human.
human being human.
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