a collection of grievances tucked away in my belly and heart - never having a rainy day to come out and play
poetically I weave stories of how others have hurt me. what does this give me? i get to be disappointed in others shortcomings. I get to feel like I have power over them in this game of control. they owe me something, always in my favor.
Fuck this. this game is old. frayed edges. box is lost at this point and there is no bag around to keep the pieces together. It's too much work to keep track of any of it anymore.
I keep trying to rearrange the pieces on the board so they stay in my favor. But eventually I get it. I surrender.
The pawn here is me.
Playing myself. Hedging my bets against my own heart.
Playing myself. Hedging my bets against my own heart.
No matter which way I turn I lose. Because my heart hurts and no one else feels the impact as much as me. I realize it does me no good to hold on. Yet it seems so familiar. So comfortable. Now that sense of comfort turns into a look of bewilderment on my inner child's face. She's confused by this nonsense I am spinning. She looks at me like I must be crazy and she wonders how I have crafted such a fantastical tale of reality when it is her job to have the wild imagination. She looks at me with a sense of a bigger Truth in her heart. She is pleading with me to let it go. Let it all go Emmy. You are meant to be happy. You are meant to feel and know the lightness of being. You are meant to know your inherent worthiness. Inside you are gold. Inside you are love. You are light. There is no reason to carry the burden of the grievances on your back. They are weighing you down. They are tugging at your heart, they are making you tired, forlorn and bitter.
So what now? What to do with all of this awareness of the game that has been at play for too long?
I lay it down. I lay it all down. I have a bigger desire to be undefended. I have a bigger desire to have an open heart. I have a bigger longing to see what I can manifest and co-create when my heart sparkles and is free and light and as it was when I was a young child before anything happened that pushed me to build the wall around it. I am breaking down the wall. I am opening my heart wider, deeper, more fully that ever before in my life. I may appear soft. I may seem fragile at first. I don't want to wear the mask of the strong one if I feel I am not.
I want to forgive it ALL. I want to let it all out of my heart and body and release it into the ocean. Into mother earth. Into father sky. I am committed more now to riding the edge of fierce optimism and unexplored potential. I am committed to exploring what it feels like to choose happiness in spite of anything that comes into my realm of experience. The choice is mine and I choose happiness in every moment I can remember to.
I know you may have heard all of this before. And maybe you have heard this all before from me. Something big has shifted though. I have moved on from who I used to be.
Like a cicada attached to tree, a 7 year cycle, I crawled out of the old Oakland skin that surrounded me. Now, fresh body, big trees, ocean air, new visions for a life that is free of the grievances, free of the hustle and the chaos. Oakland, the eddy I spiraled into on the river of my life. I spun in circles for years trying to find solid gold ground to come ashore but life pushed me further downstream.
I learned. I grew tremendously. I went way deep down into my shadow. I got my heart broken several times. I got abandoned. I learned that I could never be abandoned. I healed. I danced. I camped. I got therapy (lots of it). I laughed. I searched. I cried. I yelled. I sang. I burned. I played festivals, conferences, convergences. I organized parties. I started an on-going conversation with my inner child.
And I discovered Songtaneity. Who is Songtaneity? She is me and I am her. She is the embodiment of my fuller self creatively expressed self that is yearning to share her magic. She is still incubating but every day she grows more curious and wants to come out and play. She is a performer. She is magic. She is love and light. She is a mystical being who is guided by angels, listens to the redwoods and speaks in light language. She is not afraid of what you think as she knows she has the utmost pure intentions of sharing creativity. She is a portal and a way for me to get out of my own way and start creating on a bigger level. She doesn't know fear. She is guided by love, beauty, truth, openness, courage and expansion. Stay tuned... She is weaving sonic strands of sound reaching high into the heavens. She is humming soft tunes in the candlelight. She is walking the labyrinth and swinging in hammocks. She is creating music in her wee little attic room. She is listening to the silence and moving to her own heartbeat drum...
I lay it down. I lay it all down. I have a bigger desire to be undefended. I have a bigger desire to have an open heart. I have a bigger longing to see what I can manifest and co-create when my heart sparkles and is free and light and as it was when I was a young child before anything happened that pushed me to build the wall around it. I am breaking down the wall. I am opening my heart wider, deeper, more fully that ever before in my life. I may appear soft. I may seem fragile at first. I don't want to wear the mask of the strong one if I feel I am not.
I want to forgive it ALL. I want to let it all out of my heart and body and release it into the ocean. Into mother earth. Into father sky. I am committed more now to riding the edge of fierce optimism and unexplored potential. I am committed to exploring what it feels like to choose happiness in spite of anything that comes into my realm of experience. The choice is mine and I choose happiness in every moment I can remember to.
I know you may have heard all of this before. And maybe you have heard this all before from me. Something big has shifted though. I have moved on from who I used to be.
Like a cicada attached to tree, a 7 year cycle, I crawled out of the old Oakland skin that surrounded me. Now, fresh body, big trees, ocean air, new visions for a life that is free of the grievances, free of the hustle and the chaos. Oakland, the eddy I spiraled into on the river of my life. I spun in circles for years trying to find solid gold ground to come ashore but life pushed me further downstream.
I learned. I grew tremendously. I went way deep down into my shadow. I got my heart broken several times. I got abandoned. I learned that I could never be abandoned. I healed. I danced. I camped. I got therapy (lots of it). I laughed. I searched. I cried. I yelled. I sang. I burned. I played festivals, conferences, convergences. I organized parties. I started an on-going conversation with my inner child.
And I discovered Songtaneity. Who is Songtaneity? She is me and I am her. She is the embodiment of my fuller self creatively expressed self that is yearning to share her magic. She is still incubating but every day she grows more curious and wants to come out and play. She is a performer. She is magic. She is love and light. She is a mystical being who is guided by angels, listens to the redwoods and speaks in light language. She is not afraid of what you think as she knows she has the utmost pure intentions of sharing creativity. She is a portal and a way for me to get out of my own way and start creating on a bigger level. She doesn't know fear. She is guided by love, beauty, truth, openness, courage and expansion. Stay tuned... She is weaving sonic strands of sound reaching high into the heavens. She is humming soft tunes in the candlelight. She is walking the labyrinth and swinging in hammocks. She is creating music in her wee little attic room. She is listening to the silence and moving to her own heartbeat drum...
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