fool on the hill

Joni sings: "I wish I had a river, I could skate away on..."

I keep thinking I should just give up. give in. not as noble sounding as surrendering. but maybe the spirit behind it ends up being the same thing in the end. what "giving up" leads to is indeed surrendering once the phase of self pity is fully experienced. right? maybe...

I have spent so many of my days longing. what am I longing for? really? longing for another person to share in my experience of this crazy whirlwind of a life? is that really it? today i wanted to give up. I, Emily Lewis, lead a solitary life in many ways. solitary in my waking, solitary in my sleeping. solitary in shopping, dancing, cooking, eating, praying, weeping, laughing, hiking, biking, walking, smiling, singing, searching for truth, writing about searching for truth, thinking, thinking about not thinking...the list goes on.



i am the fool on the hill. but not in the way that many may interpret this. a fool, a warrioress, a seeker, an outsider in an insider's form. maybe there are only a few of my tribe left. maybe they are all sitting on different hills spaced far apart in the galaxy, doing their own things in their own ways. what are the chances that we bump into each other? maybe they are manifesting as I write this. that feels more true. something still stirs in me. there is a small flicker that remains. i am not sure why it doesn't extinguish. maybe this is where the fool part comes in. i still believe. i still have faith that there are others like me that I will meet. it is the feeling of separation that causes so much samsara. and i know as well as most that this is created in the mind. so why is it that the mind wants to divide me from you? if I know the truth of who I am then the mind is out of it's full time job. it has to go on unemployment forever...

I have experienced what I think to be some of the deepest sense of loneliness that exists. and in my dream world I am starting to experience these losses that tear up my insides and make me ache on a level I didn't know was possible. what is all this for? i am dreaming of children dying. i am dreaming of flying and floating up the sides of buildings to get away from psycho killers that chop people up and put them in small packages.

this is the falling apart of things. the unraveling. the world is not what we always thought it to be. well, in some way it is only what we think it to be. but these thoughts are coming from our perception of reality rather than from a clear lens of truth. this body-mind is hoping to "get" in this incarnation, abiding truth.

I find it always come back to this. loneliness is something that has to be felt. why? i don't know. because feeling is part of the human experience and we don't get to chose what feelings come to us. I know I can move from this place with some grace. It is my choice to move out of these "states of being" or to reside in them as if they are "me". I know they are not me. Of course in theory these things are always easier than in practice.

the roller coaster ride is long and windy. the goal for me is to have some perspective on the one who is feeling it all. knowing that it is not the truth of who I am. anything that happens to this being which is called Emily is not the truth that resides underneath and around and through it all. the truth is silent and still and unchanging. never a roller coaster, but an infinite ocean of capacity. this capacity is bigger than most of us know. it is definitely something we don't understand, as it is not to be understood by our minds.

the heart has its own intelligence. my heart aches. it aches for many people and many things. however the capacity of the heart is infinite and it is deep in the heart that truth resides...to close to one person is to close to everyone. in my dream world part of this pain is working itself out. i am working to not close my heart to anyone. this does not need I remain connected in friendship with everyone. sometimes the best thing to do is to remain in integrity with what the heart needs. in order to remain open and true it is best to let connections dissolve...

I am here with open arms and a broken heart. each day mended, each day breaking. each day mended, each day breaking...