space to heal, space to feel

whoa- 2012 is already proving to be a rich year. i am not sure which way is up and which is down. feeling pretty disoriented and confused for the most part. old patterns are reemerging and attempting to reassert themselves in my body and mind. i have been entertaining some of them and feeling what it really feels like to be giving in to old habits even though I know they are not what I ultimately want. and simultaneously with this, there is also really magical stuff occurring in and outside of me. my dreams have been super vivid and insightful. last night I had a lucid dream about my roommate and I was explaining to her how we were both dreaming! I haven't talked to her yet about this but I wonder if she had a dream involving me too! this past full moon was one of the strongest I have felt in years! I recently deactivated my facebook account partly so that I could free up time to be in nature and to take away things that unnecessarily suck my time. the very fact that I have been so connected with this moon is a very good sign to me. this seems to be working but it takes time to "unwind" the seeking and outward habits of social networks such as facebook. I am really fascinated by the affects that facebook has on me. I found myself doing things i thought I'd never do, felt like a secret spy navigating through other peoples worlds. why? i have no clue! because they were my friends and i could look at all their pictures of their travels for the last 5 years...I digress. the point is, that I have been looking at the where I put my attention and wanting to be intentional about where I spend my time and energy. it was clear at the end of 2011 that I wanted to start out 2012 with a clean slate and with as little distractions as possible to help aid me on my journey. so what did I do? i started creating more and more distractions...yes. that's right. all things to keep me away from sitting silently. i have been feeling lots of feelings for sure. but sitting with them until I start to see through to the true nature of them? NO way! I feel like a 5 year old that just got her ice cream taken away and stubbornly won't talk to my mom because I am pissed. there is so much inner turmoil and resistance to just sitting still and letting all this "stuff" erupt and clear out. not all the time though. last night after my crazy lucid dream i got up to go the bathroom. after laying back down i tossed and turned and could not fall back asleep. i don't know how long i layed there, a while. finally i got so fed up that i just started crying. crying out of frustration, crying because I was so tired but couldn't sleep. the tears were sincere. i felt a resonance with all the other people that were tossing and turning in their beds. after i allowed myself to release through tears i fell right asleep. in this letting go, in this giving up there is rest. there is peace. i can feel how tightly i want to hold on to certain things in my life that just aren't working anymore. i am resistant to saying goodbye to certain people, to certain foods, substances, thoughts. i know that this is my work for this year. to honor and thank those things for how they have served me thus farand to start to release them, one by one. to say a "last goodbye" in the words of Jeff Buckley. i feel a deep pull to go inward, further, deeper and as sincere as I can possibly be about where I am at. I have been doing so much outward seeking since Jan 1st. I see the futility of this. like Adyashanti says it is the hungry ghost. no matter what I feed myself, no matter what thoughts i entertain, how i try to give myself certain things, there is still a hunger for something more. i haven't been able to fill myself up. on one level i know its because I am already whole, full, love. i don't totally know this though. there are these deep feelings of lack, unworthiness, mistrust, blah blah blah. these are the very things I need to sit with and see through all the way. so...it is January. we are in the "dead" of winter. i feel this in my bones, in my spirit. this is the time to retreat. to sleep more if you feel you need it, to eat nourishing foods, to be gentle on yourself. this is not the time for action. for big changes. big resolutions in the middle of winter seem like a set-up for failure to me. yes, i think we can make intentions for the year but i don't think its reasonable to try and start some big action oriented project(s) or workout regimens when this is the time for rest and rejuvination. spring is the time to hatch your ideas into being! ok, this was a lot more than I planned to write. this is a very raw and honest glimpse into my current experience. i don't have any filters anymore. there is nothing to hide here. my goal with this blog is to name and state the things I am going through that most people go through but they attach an extra layer of shame on them and don't speak about them. i figure if I am honest and speaking my truth it will free up others to do the same!