i felt compelled to share it here as well. as i was writing it i had a realization
and something shifted...
things have been trying here
for the past month but I have started going to satsangs
regularly which has given me perspective. saw adya this past weekend and then Isaac Shapiro
last night. i think i need to take an adya break. i noticed
how heady his talk was and it seemed quite unavailable for my
somatic experience. i have been slowing way down and taking
time to listen to my heart. re-starting up a conscious dialogue has been such
an interesting endeavor. the heart is so subtle but it does have so much wisdom
if only we are still enough to listen. i guess you could say my heart
has been breaking open recently. i am really looking at how
there is no subject and object in truth, only the verb that is happening.
this, of course, fucks with my mind and it doesn't understand it but
some part of "me" understands it. like, "he is not disappointing me"
"but there is disappointment happening". so, back to the old idea
of there isn't really a doer doing anything to "me". isaac talked a lot about
this last night. and the idea of choice and free will has been coming up
a lot at these satsangs so it is in the fore front of whats being looked at.
although i get that maybe we don't have choice, but there is the illusion
that we are making choices, it still makes me wonder who is to be
held accountable and responsible all for the killing, rape, murder, war, etc???
if there isn't actually anyone choosing to enact these things onto other then
who is responsible? right when I wrote "other" i got something.
it's that there is no other and the war, rape, murder is what we are ALL
doing to "ourselves" daily....fuck. it looks like these things are happening to
individuals but really it is all happening to all of us and yet simultaneously not happening
to anyone because there is only the illusion that there is someone there to be
having the experience. oh dear...
what have i stepped upon???
so, now as I am re-reading those lines, i want to also acknowledge that
there is also the whole spectrum of things in experience happening as
well, (love, gratitude, giving, embracing, service, etc...). But these are also
not actually being "done" to anyone either. it is all arising from some magical
place, the great mystery...love is loving. giving is giving. hunger is
hungering. rain is raining. all efforts to resist what is naturally arising
is FUTILE. resistance is the quickest way to more suffering and I am seeing this more
clearly each day. what is naturally arising in my experience is not of my doing.
how much attention is placed on it is also, not something I think I am actually doing.
it seems that there is choice on where I put my attention but I am not sure if this
is true anymore. when i look into this...it feels like there is an impulse to act so the
fingers are typing. what words will be written are coming from the mystery, the place
where all things arise and fall back into. the waves come in. the waves go out.
there is no real reason. sometimes they come in. sometimes they go out.
so what is driving the impulses? what is driving your car? who is driving your
life? there is a focus in society to "take control of your life" blah blah blah. but
what does this really mean? there seems to be a real struggle built into those
words from the beginning. the need to "have control" is something that comes
from a place of fear ultimately. it feels like the physical version would be
that of gripping onto something, a clenching, and a contracting. an active
clinging onto an idea that we are in fact, in charge.
who is controlling what? when I look inside and ask am "I" in control, i can't say
an honest yes. The "I" knows its not in control. The body -mind has the experience
of free will and choice which seems like a fun game to play with myself and my ego
definitely likes it but I don't think it is true and this concept is starting to be seen as just that, a concept.
i feel like I am getting too heady myself now so I am going to stop writing. i am going to
explore this more in the felt sense and then will write more on it later possibly.
Darling Emily,
ReplyDeleteYour efforts to understand the un-understandable astound me. It sounds to me that you are stepping into some very important work for you. As for me, I'll just keep feeding my bubs some pears and prunes and keep hoping today will be a day he will poop. Wow.
Love you so much my Sweet.
Em