Words of wisdom from a self proclaimed unsuccessful dating professional

facebook post from 12/30/17 
Words of wisdom from a self proclaimed unsuccessful dating professional: DON'T, under any circumstance, trust/believe a married man when he says he's separating from his wife (of 21 years) and in two weeks he wants to come visit you to "explore what's there". 

Seriously, can somebody please slap some reality into me? I consider myself to be an intelligent person but when it comes to dating I feel like I am missing some of the higher functioning neural pathways that result in me making decisions that end in the result I am looking for: a healthy, balanced and nourishing relationship. 

I recently got off all dating apps and instead have started having date-night with myself which includes eating popcorn and watching videos of Mooji on subjects such as "beyond the concept of aloneness" and "Stop Wasting Time On Nonsense! Just Stay In Your Beingness". 

So far, I am finding a pull to go to India and sit with Mooji and also to just sit in silence more and inquire who it is that is wanting all of this... I repeatedly decide against writing many FB posts regarding my dating failures because, well, there have been so many --- and it brings up so much shame for me which is hard to admit and hard to feel. It's been a source of the most grief and sadness in my life and I am still left bewildered by what it is I am missing or not seeing. 

To be clear - I am not looking for any advice here, I just wanted to purge some of this energy before 2018. It feels important to express my frustration, sadness, loneliness and confusion about dating and relationships. 

I have seriously heard it all. The common sentiments being: it will happen when you're least expecting it, you just need to love yourself more, you're too picky, your standards are too high, you never like the ones that like you, etc.... 

I honestly think it boils down to alignment. right alignment for the type of partnership I am desiring is calling for me to step into a part of myself that I haven't yet. If I desire a man who has certain qualities then I need to be cultivating those within myself. If there is an ounce of longing in me for another to fill any sort of void, then I know there is more growth for me to do. Even though I thought I had done enough personal growth work to land me a masters in personal growth work, that would make me Emily Lewis, MA, MPG ;) 

I am turning ever more inwards and inquiring into what is actually here that is seeing through these eyes. awareness itself. pure spacious presence that requires nothing from life. the suffering all feels really personal in some sense but then when I inquire more deeply and hear the sage wisdom that comes through Mooji, I know deep down that the path of the spiritual seeker is such that the universe is aiding in my release of all attachments, especially this attachment to a partner, the attachment to the fairy tale that isn't happening. all things must be let go of in order to serve highest alignment and this i know to be true. 

But it doesn't make it hurt less to the little Emily who wants to be chosen and loved...  #redflagsfordating #moojionawakening#whenlifegivesyoulemonsturnthatshitgold #yesthisreallyjusthappenedtome#donedating #awakeningintobeingness

Fierce Grace

Tonight I am Wild

Wild with freedom

Skin soaked Passion

Clarity of mind

Heart bursting open

All these feel good on me

As the letting go unfolds

Layers layers layers dropping away and I am the lightness of being

I am being

I am

I

Am

Concepts of who I was, am and will be - dissolve

Once, these concepts binded me

The confining layer breaks open - chunks, pieces, bits, particles, atoms

Cascading, a string of pearls breaks off the neck of the perfect one

And scatters into nothingness on the universe’s floor

What I am is in process of becoming undone

Unraveling in the best way imaginable

Before this, all I could taste was the longing

And now, drops of sweet liberation bless my tongue

This life is one long moment of fierce grace

But tonight I am Wild

I am Wild

And you are fierce grace

Is Creativity a Missing Link to Our Well-being & Happiness?

It is not sufficient to treat disease by addressing only the physical symptoms that display in the body. In order to achieve greater balance and well-being it is essential to look deeper into the root of what ails us and to see where there is stagnation (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually). I believe that an important piece of the wellness puzzle lies in our creativity and our ability to express ourselves fully. This article approaches the wellness conversation from an intersection of creative expression and maintaining a balanced energy system in the body. It is possible that putting more attention on these aspects of our lives can create an optimal foundation for a healthier and happier life.

In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), balanced energy (Qi) is thought to be a critical component  maintaining health and wellness. According to TCM, Qi stagnation is one of the main correlates of disease and illness. In another field of study, Thomas Hübl, a modern day integral mystic, discusses the concept of completing the “loop of full expression” and how this helps clear the energy system of stagnant energy. Hübl says that we all have certain impulses and a unique inner expression that longs to be fully expressed in order to complete our soul’s mission in this lifetime. Hübl quotes Lao Tzu’s words from the Tao Te Ching on this matter, saying “express yourself completely then keep quiet”. Both of these center around the movement of energy; as an antidote to stagnation.

So how is creative expression interconnected with health & happiness and how can we bring creative expression more fully into our daily lives? First off, I would like to share with you my definition of creativity as I think there is a lot of misconception about what creativity is and isn’t. Creativity is making something from (seemingly) nothing at all. It is the art of opening, allowing, deep listening and allowing energy to flow freely in and around out of the body. Creativity is energy, vitality, life force. Creativity is expansion and contraction. Creativity is anything that stems from inspiration, longing, imagination, and spontaneity. It is a cathartic dynamic process.  

Creativity means many different things to many different people. I want to dispel the myth that only some people are lucky enough to be creative. Creativity is a natural impulse and innate part of being human. Creativity is not limited to the select lucky few who have been blessed with the genetic make-up like Mozart or other successful and acclaimed artists. Why do I think all adults possess some sort of creativity? Because every child I have ever come in contact with has had a spark of creativity. I have worked with hundreds of children over the years and the one thing they all have in common is that they ALL possess an imagination and inclinations of this spark of creativity. This imagination lends to exploring creative impulses and various ways of creative expression, be it playing make-believe, dressing up, making up stories, singing silly songs, playing sports, etc. As children grow into adults this spark and creativity can become covered over, dismissed and shunned. But I believe it is essential to reclaim and own our full expression as adults.

So what are some of the ways that we can move energy, express ourselves fully and bring more creativity into our daily lives as adults? How can we nurture the spark that we once had as a young child so that can bring more vitality and happiness into our lives?

Here are a few easy ways to start:

1. Acknowledge that you ARE a creative being and that there are many ways to express creativity
2. Explore the activities that put you into a “flow state” (sense of losing yourself in an activity or give you a sense of timelessness)
3. Give yourself permission to be expressive and creative
4. Create at least one time block in your schedule per week for creative exploration
5. Track your energy levels before and after you do something fun, playful or creative and consider that this may be correlated to your overall sense of well-being

Three Powerful First steps towards a more creatively charged life

Some key aspects that I cover in my creativity coaching work with my clients:

1.   Cultivate a deep listening practice

2.   Create your creative life vision statement

3.   Cultivate a creative growth mindset (approach your day to day challenges from a place of curiosity and possibility, rather than pessimism and frustration)

Emily Lewis, MA holds a Masters degree in Integrative Health with a focus in sound therapies and wellness coaching from the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco. As a holistic organizer and creativity coach, she sees the connection that our outer environment plays in our day to day energy levels and our capacity for creative expression. Her passion is to help others live more empowered and creatively expressed lives through achieving more balance in the mind, body and heart. For more information on her organizing and creativity coaching work visit: www.emilymaylewis.com . Emily is a singer/songwriter and just released her first album with Sweet Medicine. Listen and download here: sweetmedicine.bandcamp.com.

Upleveling my financial reality

There is ONE reason I am not make the $$$ that I want to be currently. A wise person that I am growing closer to every day pointed me to a truth about this that I was really able to finally understand in a profound way. Don't get me wrong. I have always had enough to eat. Not one day have I ever been hungry or thirsty. I have always had the essentials covered. I have a car. I have a home. I go to festivals, I buy organic food. I go out to eat whenever I want. I belong to a gym. I go to concerts. I go to movies. I buy plane tickets to visit friends and family. So from some perspectives I am doing really well and I am grateful for the lifestyle I have allowed myself to achieve up until this point. So what is the ONE thing that has been holding me back from up-leveling my financial success? I'll give you a hint. It starts with a B... Yes, it's my Belief system. I 100% believed that I deserved and was worthy of getting just what I need to get by. I have believed for many years that I am ok with just getting the essentials covered and maybe a few bonus things here and there. But underneath that belief was the larger belief that I couldn't have more (or I didn't actually deserve more). Limiting beliefs around what I am worthy of getting has kept me bound to only have just enough and until I shift this particular belief I will stay at this same just enough level forever... I am being 100% transparent about this b/c I think that many people in my community are experiencing or have their own version of this scenario. I don't want to have shame as another aspect of this conversation so by airing it, I am normalizing it so that it can de-pressurize out of my system. I am shifting my belief around what I deserve and I am installing a new belief system that I have places for more $ to go, I deserve to have whatever I want in my life and I am worthy of it. I know that I stand in integrity and have such a huge prayer for my life which is to serve communities (both privileged and underserved populations) and in order to manifest my vision I am choosing to up-level my capacity for holding wealth and abundance. May the chalice be open to receive. May it be so. Aho. #creatrixcollective #creativitycouragechallenge #loveisthekey #igniteyourdivinespark #blessmylife

Stop Outsourcing Your Wisdom

I cannot give you creativity. I cannot teach you how to sing. I cannot explain a proven method on how to further your spiritual path. And I sure as hell can't help you find God. I am not here to help you add things to your life. I am not here to show you the three steps to living a more fulfilling life or the 5 steps towards reaching your full potential. I have to speak out as an individual who has an aversion to the formulaic way that so many coaching programs and self help gurus over promise and under deliver. If someone tells you they can help you make 6 figures in the next 90 days beware, or better yet, run far away! I have been sitting on the sidelines of this whole explosion of the coaching business in the bay area and I have to say that it has always left a bad taste in my mouth - it's the part of me that doesn't believe that we can fit an entire group of people into some formula and if they all follow it they will surely be successful. I kept thinking I would try it, I would pay $10K and join a program and be in for a year and then I would understand the magic formula to making over $100K/ year. I would finally be rich! And my problems would melt away... But I couldn't do it. Instead I hired a business coach. I have been working with him (Andy Lambert) for about 5 weeks and it was the best decision I could have made. I needed one on one coaching tailored specifically for my needs and what I am going to accomplish. This is where I saw a lot of the other programs falling short. I know I needed special attention! I needed someone I could brainstorm with, someone who was going to hold me to the fire and make me clarify my vision in a detailed way. Someone who was willing to listen to my vision and totally believe in me.

It feels authentic. It feels like it's helping me. And it's getting me excited to build my own coaching programs and teaching modules.

Presently I am refining my own individualized coaching program. I know I am here to help creative beings be more creatively expressed but I am also excited to explore coaching the population of silicon valley corporate executives to help them burst their hearts open, help them expand their own consciousness so that they can utilize their creative potential to inform & balance the exploding tech sector with heart centered wisdom, depth of awareness, spontaneity and playful lightness of being. Creative problem solving, heart opening, energy cultivation exercises, deep listening are just a few of the tools I will be teaching to help individuals move from repression to expression. I am forming a new language through this work. I am bridging tech lingo with whoo whoo and I am here to remind individuals to stop outsourcing your wisdom! It is time to learn the deep listening practices that are available. there is much wisdom medicine within your heart and your body and I am here to help those who are interested in learning about soul time and how to find the natural flow and pace of life your soul is asking of you to move with.

I am here to help individuals subtract the layers. The extra layers, the pretense that cover who they/you came here to be.

You hold infinite wisdom in your heart and in your body. As you read these words you know the truth I am speaking of. The quiet knowing that resides within you. That same knowing that resides within each of us. Do you hear it?

I am here as a gentle reminder that no matter how slow you think you are moving you could probably slow down even more and that may not be slow enough to align you with your soul-time.

What is your soul-time? How can you stop outsourcing your wisdom?

Interested in learning more? Let me know if you're interested in going on a deeper journey with me. I offer individual coaching as well as training modules on how to move from Repression to Expression! If you resonate with this message and feel intrigued to join me then please do! Send me a private message or sign up for my Divine Spark Newsletter on my website (emilymaylewis.com) #igniteyourdivinespark #creatrixcollective #creativecouragechallenge #loveisthekey #blessmylife

Turning Grievances Into Gold

I am a collector

a collection of grievances tucked away in my belly and heart - never having a rainy day to come out and play 

poetically I weave stories of how others have hurt me. what does this give me? i get to be disappointed in others shortcomings. I get to feel like I have power over them in this game of control. they owe me something, always in my favor. 

Fuck this. this game is old. frayed edges. box is lost at this point and there is no bag around to keep the pieces together. It's too much work to keep track of any of it anymore. 

I keep trying to rearrange the pieces on the board so they stay in my favor. But eventually I get it. I surrender. 

The pawn here is me.

Playing myself. Hedging my bets against my own heart.

No matter which way I turn I lose. Because my heart hurts and no one else feels the impact as much as me. I realize it does me no good to hold on. Yet it seems so familiar. So comfortable. Now that sense of comfort turns into a look of bewilderment on my inner child's face. She's confused by this nonsense I am spinning. She looks at me like I must be crazy and she wonders how I have crafted such a fantastical tale of reality when it is her job to have the wild imagination. She looks at me with a sense of a bigger Truth in her heart. She is pleading with me to let it go. Let it all go Emmy. You are meant to be happy. You are meant to feel and know the lightness of being. You are meant to know your inherent worthiness. Inside you are gold. Inside you are love. You are light. There is no reason to carry the burden of the grievances on your back. They are weighing you down. They are tugging at your heart, they are making you tired, forlorn and bitter. 

So what now? What to do with all of this awareness of the game that has been at play for too long?

I lay it down. I lay it all down. I have a bigger desire to be undefended. I have a bigger desire to have an open heart. I have a bigger longing to see what I can manifest and co-create when my heart sparkles and is free and light and as it was when I was a young child before anything happened that pushed me to build the wall around it. I am breaking down the wall. I am opening my heart wider, deeper, more fully that ever before in my life. I may appear soft. I may seem fragile at first. I don't want to wear the mask of the strong one if I feel I am not.

I want to forgive it ALL. I want to let it all out of my heart and body and release it into the ocean. Into mother earth. Into father sky. I am committed more now to riding the edge of fierce optimism and unexplored potential. I am committed to exploring what it feels like to choose happiness in spite of anything that comes into my realm of experience. The choice is mine and I choose happiness in every moment I can remember to.

I know you may have heard all of this before. And maybe you have heard this all before from me. Something big has shifted though. I have moved on from who I used to be.

Like a cicada attached to tree, a 7 year cycle, I crawled out of the old Oakland skin that surrounded me. Now, fresh body, big trees, ocean air, new visions for a life that is free of the grievances, free of the hustle and the chaos. Oakland, the eddy I spiraled into on the river of my life. I spun in circles for years trying to find solid gold ground to come ashore but life pushed me further downstream.

I learned. I grew tremendously. I went way deep down into my shadow. I got my heart broken several times. I got abandoned. I learned that I could never be abandoned. I healed. I danced. I camped. I got therapy (lots of it). I laughed. I searched. I cried. I yelled. I sang. I burned. I played festivals, conferences, convergences. I organized parties. I started an on-going conversation with my inner child.

And I discovered Songtaneity. Who is Songtaneity? She is me and I am her. She is the embodiment of my fuller self creatively expressed self that is yearning to share her magic. She is still incubating but every day she grows more curious and wants to come out and play. She is a performer. She is magic. She is love and light. She is a mystical being who is guided by angels, listens to the redwoods and speaks in light language. She is not afraid of what you think as she knows she has the utmost pure intentions of sharing creativity. She is a portal and a way for me to get out of my own way and start creating on a bigger level. She doesn't know fear. She is guided by love, beauty, truth, openness, courage and expansion. Stay tuned... She is weaving sonic strands of sound reaching high into the heavens. She is humming soft tunes in the candlelight. She is walking the labyrinth and swinging in hammocks. She is creating music in her wee little attic room. She is listening to the silence and moving to her own heartbeat drum...

Fierce Grace

Fall is upon us! The days are growing shorter, the leaves are falling and there is an even deeper turning inward. 

Yesterday morning I spent some time in my backyard watching birds. There were crows circling high, finches playing on the low branches in the trees and then there was my cat and me standing on the earth, watching them in wonder. I realized that it had been a while since I just stopped and really took in nature in this way.

It was not until today that I realized the significance of this scene. We all play in different places. We all have different vantage points and those vantage points are constantly shifting. The different vantage point we are currently standing in affects our perspective on everything. It affects what we can and cannot see and the way we perceive whatever is in our direct line of vision. There is a lot more going on out there (and in here) then we can perceive at first glance.

I have been contemplating the themes of optimism and pessimism a lot recently. These are very different orientations and depending on which one I am activating, I can either feel good or not feel so good. I have considered myself both at various times in my life. More recently I have been turning more towards optimism and in raising my vibrational frequency and seeing how there is actual resistance to feeling good for extended periods of time. There are unconscious judgments around just being ok. If my goal is to thrive then I first need to really feel solid in feeling good as much as I can more of the time.

What vantage point are you standing at today? What is your perspective allowing you to see? What images or things are in your line of vision that may be hiding treasures just behind them? If you move your orientation in the world are you able to see a situation, a person, a relationship differently?

It's helpful to try on different perspectives so that our brains stay fresh and the grooves don't get so deep. It's important that I don't get "set in my ways" so I like to remain as flexible around different perspectives as I can. When I let go of the attachment to seeing things my way or having an agenda to being "right" then the world seems to open it and I feel free. I let everything else be free too.

The moments when I deeply feel this freedom is being is fierce grace. I am grateful for these moments even if fleeting.

I Will Not Forget About You

For anyone who has done "inner child" work you know that this is deep work... what follows is a true story of how we are the ones we have been waiting for.

Today I reclaimed a part of myself that I had been unconsciously neglecting for too long. For years I have had this theme running through my head and heart - "no one is coming for me". Someone always comes and saves other people, but no one will ever come for me. At first this desire/longing wasn't a conscious one. As with most things, it was so subtle that I didn't realize how central a role it had been playing in my decisions on a day to day, moment to moment basis. This underlying agenda to be saved, to be rescued by some outside force (preferably a beautiful man with long blond hair riding on a white horse ; )...) had been creating a momentum in a direction that left me in a disempowered state of living. i was at the mercy of this person showing up and i kept waiting. meanwhile, years are passing... friends are getting married, having babies, buying houses, living the life that I thought I would be living someday. well, that someday hasn't come for me. and the savior on the white horse didn't come either.

so much frustration and grief in this waiting... i know he must be showing up soon. I am a good person. I am honest. I am loving. I am smart. I am talented. I am beautiful. I am funny. I have a good voice. I am not crazy. I don't take any meds. I eat organic and I make my own almond milk. I am a good cook. I have done so much inner work. I have my shirt more together than most other people and they have all found their "person", their "savior"... Surely, he must be coming soon. I will just keep looking and waiting and looking and waiting and looking and searching... because I know he must be coming soon. maybe he doesn't know what I look like? hmmm. what the hell is the problem here?

Today I realized who wanted to be saved. It was not my adult woman self that needed saving. It was not the woman in me who needs a man to complete her to be happy and fulfilled. No... the one who always needed to be saved was my little one. Not my inner 5 year old. No, the much younger one. The 1 1/2 year old who got lost in the woods in Southern Illinois. The trauma of this early childhood experience has been with me my whole life. the fear and anxiety of this experience has been locked in my body since the night it happened... I unpacked some of it through therapy over the last few years. I did a 10 minute performance art piece on it which gave her a voice, gave her some stage time and attention. but she has been needing something more from me. she needed me, my adult woman self to rescue her from the woods. a part of me never left those woods. i couldn't. I needed my help. all these years I had been waiting for someone to come save me, never fucking realizing that I was the one I was waiting for. the profound realization of this hit fucking deep today. so many tears. so much pain. so much fear. my little one was waiting for me this whole time and I just didn't know.

So, today I took her back. I found her and rescued her from the dark woods. I told her I wouldn't ever leave her or forget to pay attention to her. I promised I would sing to her. I would write lullabies for her. She told me she would help me pick a man who was really good for me. A man who was really nice and who would take care of me. not in a father kind of way, but in a loving mutual caring kind of a way. I trust that through her eyes and through mine we can be in the world again in a safe way. now that I have her with me, I feel more whole. i feel together with myself.

My heart feels more peaceful. I trust myself in a deeper way than I ever have before. I kept saying today, "I got you. I got you". And she knows I do. This was all I / She needed, was for me to pay attention to her and let her know I am taking care of her. I got you little one. I got you.

Emily Lewis ~ Spirit Song ~ Solo Showdown Comedy

21 Day Detox and Embodied Love Reboot Blog

Today I am preparing for what I am referring to as the 21-Day Detox and Embodied LOVE Reboot!

In preparation I am going shopping today for supplies such as a dry body brush, castor oil, and all the food for the first 7 days of the program.

I am following a detox guide I purchased from Brandon Walloff called the Health Crunch Detox Guide 2. The Health Crunch Summer Detox Program runs for 15 days but I am extending my total program to 3 weeks as I have learned that implementing real change happens if I commit to something for 21 days consecutively.

I am titling this an Embodied Love Reboot because my intention is to ground deeper into self love while paying attention to ALL aspects of the self that need tending to. The purification and detox applies to my thoughts, my actions, activity levels, the way I talk to myself, the way I speak to others, who I interact with, what I am eating, what movement I am choosing to participate in, what I am paying attention to, etc... I am basically making this as holistic as a program for myself as possible to see and explore the potential life changing results. I also plan to spend less time on the electronics and more time in nature! I intend to balance out my nervous system through this process which is something that going into quiet places in nature helps me to do immediately. And of course I will be integrating the healing power of sound and meditation into my daily practices.

Why am I inspired to do this?
This is stemming from a desire to cultivate deep and abiding Self Love, to bring the focus of my life back to my heart and to tend to my inner experience which is the only thing I have "control" over. I put control in parenthesis because in the context of existential or ultimate truth I am still in an inquiry as to who or what actually has control and is living this life through the vessel which is my physical being.

I am also doing this a gift to myself while I have time in my schedule. My work situation has been dissolving and there seems to be blocks or something to my professional life actually progressing in a tangible way, therefore I have the time and the drive to transform through purifying the self in order to become a clean slate for clearer insights, directions, guidance, etc.

The third major reason I am doing this is to give me an outlet for my Writing / Blogging / Journaling desires. I love to write and haven't been inspired or moved to write about anything in particular for the last few months. The detox gives me a daily focus to report on and to share my personal story about something that hopefully a lot of others can relate to or find useful in their own healing journeys.

I am committed to personal growth, transformation, heart opening, and ever increasing states of consciousness. Through this detox my intention is to have a gentle yet effective and holistic detox, change the current way I speak to myself into the voice of a loving friend and ally, to clear old wounds, to melt grievances currently blocking my hearts fullest ability to give and receive love, to increase my self confidence, worth and value, and ultimately to remember the truth of what I am: LOVE and LIGHT.

When I drop into remembering what I came from, I know it was pure energy, the source of which was love, light and vibration. Being in this physical form recently has been a real challenge for me and I am needing support. I am committed to dissolving shame around what it means to be human, to need help, and I am recognizing that I am in fact not an island. I am humbled by friends who have stepped up to help me over the past few weeks. I am in a chrysalis right now, again. I feel messy and unraveled and undone. I have been here before on a different rung of the spiral. This is the place inside that propels me to transform, to uplevel to a new place. I activate prayers to the angels, to my guides, my ancestors, my power animals, mother Earth, father Sky, to my friends and family that they may support me emotionally as I commence on this exciting journey.

Aho

Specific Medicine and Guides I am calling upon: 
The four directions
Elementals
Pleidians
Archangel Michael and Ariel
Mother Mary
Spider medicine
Wolf
Elder Bob
Grandmother
The aspect of Discipline
Praying with Tobacco
My coaches
Prayer and vocal meditation
Love, Light and Vibration

The storyteller, the weaver and the great mystery

I here you still

I am returning

the map’s been lost and I’ve forgotten how I got here

it may take me lifetimes but I know you’ll wait

I am returning to you. You

which gently pulls at my heart strings and writes me,

dreams me at night

I awake fully formed again, the storyteller,

the weaver of my life

I’ve never felt so close to you

great mystery. raven energy

wings at my back

I will soar off this vast cliff to

spiral back into union with you

When this soul rests

it is compelled to create in any way it can.

The silence invites poetry and drawings for my beloved

Why so many things after “I”?

The primordial mystery of beingness  

creativity follows stillness

love follows freedom

freedom follows love

more open hand

all things
free

Behind Your Eyes

Behind your eyes, the infinite resides

a vastness of space – fierce grace

I am a child filled with wonder and awe

swinging under a canopy of moss and dew

nothing could stop this smile

here I am wasting time

moving in and out of stillness

will you trust the earth to be at your feet with each step?

the air to fill your lungs with oxygen?

the sun to wake you and

the moon to lull you to sleep?

I am falling in deeper

a curious traveler on the edge

of discovery,

alone in the darkness

feeling my way slowly, gently as I go

Sensing the light of my soul is the home to which I am returning

Sensing the light of my soul is the home to which I am returning

Day 29 Oct. 10th - Day 40 Oct. 20th!

well...
i have been SICK sick sick the last week. it put a damper on my bloggin
and on my singing and chanting.

what have i been doing?

sleeping and meditating silently, still doing the daily practice but had to modify it...

so i have followed through with my 40 day commitment but due to this crazy sinus infection
that i have been healing from the past week, my throat has needed a rest.

yesterday i meditated down at ocean beach and experienced the magic of watching pods of dolphins frollicking about in the bay!

i immediately felt a shift in my level of compassion for myself and gained perspective on a matter that i had been seeking resolution for. i was able to truly appreciate the simple beauty in nature and to know that i am that. i am that. i am that.

so many changes are happening every day in my world. everything is continuously falling away, into the abyss of the never never land that all moments go.

adyashanti talks about how everything is simultaneously happening and falling away all the time into nothingness. sometimes i can sense particles of this fabric of non-reality (to make a bad analogy) but for the most part those realizations are short lived. everything feels so real and seems to matter so much. my mind is trying to make sense of how it can be that each moment falls away. i know it does.
some part of me knows this.

to be continued...

today is my last day of the 40 day cycle.

i am complete but i will continue each day until i don't

Day 28 - Oct 9th C and G - Images of the Golden Mean spiral

Started out this evening's meditation with the shruti box in the key
of Bflat but it sounded wobbly and didn't feel right in my body or with my
voice. I realized that I resonate more with the full octave C (1 high and 1 in the lower octave)
and the fifth of that which is G. I know I have written about this before but last night's meditation
was super interesting...

when i switched to the C and G on the shruti and started humming into my heart, i got a clear
image of the exact spiral as the one above and that it was being hummed into my body and in my
heart!

it was so vivid. part of this blog is to record these moments of insight, synchronicity, magic,
and to document what affect this is all having in my body but also what changes are happening in other areas of my life.

more on that in another post... 

Day 26 (Oct. 7th)

tonight i joined in on my roomies weekly group silent meditation practice. holy shit it was powerful.

so much gratitude came welling up from somewhere and overtook me. tears formed in my eyes. i felt so thankful to know they were all sitting there, part of my world. part of my experience right then. just being here, i felt so grateful for all the beauty that is in my life. the friends, the privileged existence i live currently. my work is starting to become a steady flow of people needing my services and for that i am so blessed.

i prayed. i prayed for more clients so that i may be taken care of and create more abundance in my world. stating to the universe that i am open vessel and i am ready for more work and more clients to come my way.

gratitude is not something i have spent a whole lot of time with. i am not convinced it is something to "cultivate" as "they" say. but i think when it comes up authentically, these are times for me to take notice of and relish in. i shared my experience with the group afterward and they listened deeply.
the quality of my experience and perception had changed so much after being in a vibration of gratitude for just a few moments. everyone looked beautiful and shiny and i had a deep sense of ok'ness and love for them all.

this is proof to me that how we are really does create how we experience the world. its quite amazing actually... they didn't change from the beginning to end of meditation but something in me did which completely affected the way i perceived them. crazy shit man.

i'm praying for more gratitude and compassion and raisin' the vibration to that of love so that i may experience the world as that of love.

Day 25 (Oct. 6th)

silent meditation - vocal meditation

in discussion with the fleas that seem to have taken a liking to our house and cats. haven't made any progress yet as to why they won't leave our house. focus strayed on to thoughts of this coming week and weekend. work work work plans camping blah blah

vocal meditations prove to be a means to stay focused in a deep meditative way, unlike being silent.
sitting in silence has other benefits but it seems that using the voice during meditation is a way to keep energy moving and there can still be deep relaxation but b/c i have something to do i am less restless. silent meditations bring up the deep restlessness that has been there my whole life...

what am i trying to get away from?

what am i trying to get out of?

nervous system settling more and more these days. i am filling up more of me and cleaning the house of my body of other energy that isn't mine. fall cleaning. an autumn soul cleaning...

Day 24 (Oct. 5th)

Honey Flow Farm chanting and sound healing for the yoga class!

today i had the pleasure of chanting in nature (one of my favorite places to sing) for the beginning
and end of honey flow yoga out in jackson, ca.

the beginning of the class I led a chant (using the shruti box as the drone instrument):

om mani padme hum

for self compassion, this tibetan chant is said to contain all chants within it. i led the participants through a journey of opening their voices and placing their hands on their hearts in order to make contact with the heart. i have found this is useful for myself so I am hoping that it also helps others.

at the end of the class while everyone was in final relaxation pose i chanted and used the crystal bowl as the drone.  one man fell asleep so this was a sign i did something right...

the combination of making music and singing in nature in this way is really special to me. i wish i would have had more time to really ground into the place itself but i was only there for a short period of time.

being on a farm and eating a meal that literally grew 5 feet away from our table made so much sense to me. so much more connected and congruent then how i normally experience food. singing in nature also makes a lot of sense to me too. i felt so much more grounded and was able to lead a chant which is definitely out of my comfort zone...

Day 23 (Oct. 4th)

i am including my practice with naia today as my vocal meditation -
we practiced in the courtyard in front of an amazing house, situated on a bluff overlooking the ocean in moss beach.
we chanted the 5 tibetan warrior seed syllables: ah, om, hung, ram, dza. this opens and activiates all chakras and major energy centers in the body.

after going through our set list for our next musical offering we went to the back of the house and sat on the deck that has a clear view of the crashing waves on the beach below. the sound of the waves provided the backdrop for the new chant that we are working on...
 
om shri maha lakshmi yeh, namaha
divine mother, bless you with the sacred waters
infused with the most beautiful flowers

-->

your love is like a sacred river flowing near and far

your beauty’s like a silky river touching near and fear

near and far 

near and far

Day 22 (Oct 3rd)

lots of ah's tonight. releasing more tension in jaw. the ah seems to be the best thing for it. i'm so tired. a flea interrupted my meditation as well as my cat and my roommate vacuuming. i was noticing how the somatic experience of resistance to what is happening is a contraction and tightening of all major vital energy in the 3rd chakra. i was experimenting with melting into the experience of complete allowance. what does the body do when it says yes to everything that's happening? it completely relaxes. it is not using any energy to fight against what is happening.

i also chanted the following words:

i am love
i am light

i wanted to send compassion out to a person who i have been resistant to but then stopped myself and realize that i i needed to send it to myself first. this is my practice. to not override my own needs to try and forgive someone else first. i need to love and be gentle on myself and give myself the amount of care and attention before dispersing it out to others. from this place of more self-love i can be discerning as to who or where or what i put energy into. this process of discernment is a work in progress. more subtle information is coming in each day as i continue to do this vocal med.  practice.
having more synchronicities and weird things happening to me on a daily basis.

some good, some not so good. but i am deeply trusting in what events are happening in "my" world are in deed needing to...

Day 21 (Oct. 2nd)

tonight i sang for the sound healing after ecstatic dance in oakland. my friend Damian played the hang drum while i chanted and sang the song i posted last night. i improv'd the lyrics and the melody to flow with the rhythm that he played with.

i realize that when i close my eyes and sing i kind of retreat into my own world. i was only slightly aware that 200 people were on the dancefloor listening. it's always kind of been this way but more so at the wednesday night dances when the room is dark and it's easier to feel like it could just be me up there singing for 2 people or even just for myself. there's so much freedom in improv. i realize that i really trust myself with this style of music offering and performances because there is nothing to mess up. nothing pre-rehearsed that i can get "wrong" and there is so much liberation in this...

i got really good feedback from the sound guy and from a few other people which of course confirms that someone appreciated it and it made at least a few people drop in and feel something, whatever that was.