Emily May

heart breaking...OPEN!

2012-01-30T11:16:00.000-08:00

the following entry started from an email I just wrote to a dear friend of mine. we share pieces of our journey with each other along the winding road to find liberation and truth...
i felt compelled to share it here as well. as i was writing it i had a realization
and something shifted...

things have been trying here

for the past month but I have started going to satsangs

regularly which has given me perspective. saw adya this past weekend and then Isaac Shapiro

last night. i think i need to take an adya break. i noticed

how heady his talk was and it seemed quite unavailable for my

somatic experience. i have been slowing way down and taking

time to listen to my heart. re-starting up a conscious dialogue has been such

an interesting endeavor. the heart is so subtle but it does have so much wisdom

if only we are still enough to listen. i guess you could say my heart

has been breaking open recently. i am really looking at how

there is no subject and object in truth, only the verb that is happening.

this, of course, fucks with my mind and it doesn't understand it but

some part of "me" understands it. like, "he is not disappointing me"

"but there is disappointment happening". so, back to the old idea

of there isn't really a doer doing anything to "me". isaac talked a lot about

this last night. and the idea of choice and free will has been coming up

a lot at these satsangs so it is in the fore front of whats being looked at.

although i get that maybe we don't have choice, but there is the illusion

that we are making choices, it still makes me wonder who is to be

held accountable and responsible all for the killing, rape, murder, war, etc???

if there isn't actually anyone choosing to enact these things onto other then

who is responsible? right when I wrote "other" i got something.

it's that there is no other and the war, rape, murder is what we are ALL

doing to "ourselves" daily....fuck. it looks like these things are happening to

individuals but really it is all happening to all of us and yet simultaneously not happening

to anyone because there is only the illusion that there is someone there to be

having the experience. oh dear...

what have i stepped upon???

so, now as I am re-reading those lines, i want to also acknowledge that
there is also the whole spectrum of things in experience happening as
well, (love, gratitude, giving, embracing, service, etc...). But these are also
not actually being "done" to anyone either. it is all arising from some magical
place, the great mystery...love is loving. giving is giving. hunger is
hungering. rain is raining. all efforts to resist what is naturally arising
is FUTILE. resistance is the quickest way to more suffering and I am seeing this more
clearly each day. what is naturally arising in my experience is not of my doing.
how much attention is placed on it is also, not something I think I am actually doing.
it seems that there is choice on where I put my attention but I am not sure if this
is true anymore. when i look into this...it feels like there is an impulse to act so the
fingers are typing. what words will be written are coming from the mystery, the place
where all things arise and fall back into. the waves come in. the waves go out.
there is no real reason. sometimes they come in. sometimes they go out.
so what is driving the impulses? what is driving your car? who is driving your
life? there is a focus in society to "take control of your life" blah blah blah. but
what does this really mean? there seems to be a real struggle built into those
words from the beginning. the need to "have control" is something that comes
from a place of fear ultimately. it feels like the physical version would be
that of gripping onto something, a clenching, and a contracting. an active
clinging onto an idea that we are in fact, in charge.

who is controlling what? when I look inside and ask am "I" in control, i can't say
an honest yes. The "I" knows its not in control. The body -mind has the experience
of free will and choice which seems like a fun game to play with myself and my ego
definitely likes it but I don't think it is true and this concept is starting to be seen as just that, a concept.

i feel like I am getting too heady myself now so I am going to stop writing. i am going to
explore this more in the felt sense and then will write more on it later possibly.

space to heal, space to feel

2012-01-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

whoa- 2012 is already proving to be a rich year. i am not sure which way is up and which is down. feeling pretty disoriented and confused for the most part. old patterns are reemerging and attempting to reassert themselves in my body and mind. i have been entertaining some of them and feeling what it really feels like to be giving in to old habits even though I know they are not what I ultimately want. and simultaneously with this, there is also really magical stuff occurring in and outside of me. my dreams have been super vivid and insightful. last night I had a lucid dream about my roommate and I was explaining to her how we were both dreaming! I haven't talked to her yet about this but I wonder if she had a dream involving me too! this past full moon was one of the strongest I have felt in years! I recently deactivated my facebook account partly so that I could free up time to be in nature and to take away things that unnecessarily suck my time. the very fact that I have been so connected with this moon is a very good sign to me. this seems to be working but it takes time to "unwind" the seeking and outward habits of social networks such as facebook. I am really fascinated by the affects that facebook has on me. I found myself doing things i thought I'd never do, felt like a secret spy navigating through other peoples worlds. why? i have no clue! because they were my friends and i could look at all their pictures of their travels for the last 5 years...I digress. the point is, that I have been looking at the where I put my attention and wanting to be intentional about where I spend my time and energy. it was clear at the end of 2011 that I wanted to start out 2012 with a clean slate and with as little distractions as possible to help aid me on my journey. so what did I do? i started creating more and more distractions...yes. that's right. all things to keep me away from sitting silently. i have been feeling lots of feelings for sure. but sitting with them until I start to see through to the true nature of them? NO way! I feel like a 5 year old that just got her ice cream taken away and stubbornly won't talk to my mom because I am pissed. there is so much inner turmoil and resistance to just sitting still and letting all this "stuff" erupt and clear out. not all the time though. last night after my crazy lucid dream i got up to go the bathroom. after laying back down i tossed and turned and could not fall back asleep. i don't know how long i layed there, a while. finally i got so fed up that i just started crying. crying out of frustration, crying because I was so tired but couldn't sleep. the tears were sincere. i felt a resonance with all the other people that were tossing and turning in their beds. after i allowed myself to release through tears i fell right asleep. in this letting go, in this giving up there is rest. there is peace. i can feel how tightly i want to hold on to certain things in my life that just aren't working anymore. i am resistant to saying goodbye to certain people, to certain foods, substances, thoughts. i know that this is my work for this year. to honor and thank those things for how they have served me thus farand to start to release them, one by one. to say a "last goodbye" in the words of Jeff Buckley. i feel a deep pull to go inward, further, deeper and as sincere as I can possibly be about where I am at. I have been doing so much outward seeking since Jan 1st. I see the futility of this. like Adyashanti says it is the hungry ghost. no matter what I feed myself, no matter what thoughts i entertain, how i try to give myself certain things, there is still a hunger for something more. i haven't been able to fill myself up. on one level i know its because I am already whole, full, love. i don't totally know this though. there are these deep feelings of lack, unworthiness, mistrust, blah blah blah. these are the very things I need to sit with and see through all the way. so...it is January. we are in the "dead" of winter. i feel this in my bones, in my spirit. this is the time to retreat. to sleep more if you feel you need it, to eat nourishing foods, to be gentle on yourself. this is not the time for action. for big changes. big resolutions in the middle of winter seem like a set-up for failure to me. yes, i think we can make intentions for the year but i don't think its reasonable to try and start some big action oriented project(s) or workout regimens when this is the time for rest and rejuvination. spring is the time to hatch your ideas into being! ok, this was a lot more than I planned to write. this is a very raw and honest glimpse into my current experience. i don't have any filters anymore. there is nothing to hide here. my goal with this blog is to name and state the things I am going through that most people go through but they attach an extra layer of shame on them and don't speak about them. i figure if I am honest and speaking my truth it will free up others to do the same!

2012- A year of rebirth and rememberence

2012-01-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

2012 is here folks. There are lots of projections about how intense this year is going to be. I have been feeling like its going to be a "big" year myself. What is actually happening? What is happening in "here" (in us, our hearts, minds, bodies) is what is happening out "there". Struggle, war, disease, confusion, sure. But also, a real awakening, opening, the longing to connect in deeper ways with eachother is being giving a voice. the voice is represented by the actions that we are carrying out in our day to day. the way we embody and represent union with everything is not only exhibited in lofty goals that we set, but it is in each breath, each thing we do, think, say moment to moment. do not let others huge plans of success marginalize your offerings to the world. as i write this i am reminding myself of this as well. when we remember that we are all the same source, the "one" we can breath in the successes and fortunes of others as our own. we can rejoice that others are moving forward, expanding, increasing our "light quotient". each of us has something unique that only we can offer.
no one can do it YOUR way. another aspect that I want to point out which may seem obvious is that this is your life, and you can do whatever you want with it. ok, breathe. really take this in. you can do whatever you want. i don't think most people actually live this way. this is a stern reminder that we are free. liberation is not somewhere we need to get to. it is what we are already. how are we un-liberating ourselves day to day? what are the ways that you have put yourself in a cage and remained small. we all do this in some form. but it is a new chapter. we are not serving anyone through staying small, quiet, contracted. 2012 is the year to be reborn, stretch out your wings and see how big you can possibly be, how high you can fly...
affirm that you are free, unlimited, and unique. know that when you use your gifts you inspire others to do the same and this creates a positive ripple affect throughout the world.

The archetype I am getting is that of the Phoenix. rising out of the ashes, the Phoenix is reborn, and sings a beautiful song as it emerges from the ashe. this image is powerful. the part of the cycle that we are coming into for 2012 is that of rising out of the ashes. some of us may still be feeling the burning, but after the fire there will be rebirth, to be sure. this could take the whole year, whatever. the timing doesn't matter. be real. be honest about where you are and what you can give. give yourself breathe first. gain the phoenix's perspective from up above, see that there are bigger forces at work.

"what do you plan to do with your one wile crazy life?"
-Mary Oliver

No worries- something happened to me in the desert

2011-09-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

What happened to me in the desert? This year, the playa drew me in again. I was so ambivalent about going to Burning Man but at the last minute I decided yes, I have to do it. I must go to that strange mystical event in the middle of nowhere yet again. Good thing...

Something shifted in me this year big time. I recall saying to a friend that each year I go it feels like it is still the same me going through the same struggles and feeling the same inner resistance to the dust, to the heat, and my indecisiveness shows up everywhere. Not this year though.

I am not sure what to call what happened to me but the word that best describes it is Grace. There was so much inner stillness and peace within. None of the old patterns that had reemerged in previous years were emerging this year. Why? What was going on?

There is no reason for it that I can "figure" out. Listening to more than my fair share of Adyashanti on the ride there and in previous weeks maybe had me ripe for some sort of awakening but the truth is that there is no logical explanation for these shifts when they occur. I guess some part of me was ready to give up the inner struggle with which I had grown so accustomed to all summer long. Creating and resolving inner conflicts as a means to keep from being bored seemed to be the cycle I was in. I didn't even realize it.

I am sharing this because this is my truth. For one week in the desert a platform of inner stillness and grace was built. This stability anchors me now. The previous worry bug that use to plague me seems to have gone to sleep. I don't know if this will last. Most likely not, because I can recognize this as just another state. It doesn't worry me that it won't stick. Nothing seems to stick anyways, as much as I want it to. Relationships come and go, jobs appear and dissappear, laughs ring in my ears and then become echos. water falls from the sky, soaks into the ground, evaporates and becomes a cloud, a dream, and then rain again...

What I want to transmit is that now that I have been living with this experience for an extended period of time I feel like my cells, my overall energy body, and my physical body are infused with this intelligence and the sparkle that comes when one is more at ease with reality and is not in a constant state of resistance to what is. I am in a sense, being recalibrated to this new way of being and feeling in the world. don't misunderstand me, I am still experiencing struggle, pain, sadness, loss and other traditionally labeled "negative" emotions but the difference is that now when they come up I go sit with them instead of busying myself so I don't feel them. I am cultivating the practice of not creating an additional story on top of the feeling that perpetuates and increases (unnecessarily) the original sensation that was coming up.

In a way it feels like I am reverting back to how I was as a child, only doing it in a way that is infused with wisdom and a groundedness. What I mean by this is that I am allowing feelings and sensations to arise and not be resistance to them as I have been in the past. for some this may seem like a no brainer, but for me this has been a constant challenge. I have a certain image that I was trying to uphold, the archetype of the calm, collected and intelligent, and independent woman who has it all together. well, we all know these can be true parts of me but they are not the truth of who or what I am, and there is certainly no way that I can be these things all the time until I first let go of trying to be them all the time. I have tried so hard to be a certain way that what I was missing is that I need to let go of the trying and just BE who i am actually am. its interesting how I have to go through all of these learning and felt experiences in order to arrive back at the natural state of what/who I always was.

ok, I am done rambling. this is a huge topic and I don't feel like I covered everything I wanted to but I must get outside and go run around the lake! We are having our last days of summer before autumn knocks its crisp little hands on the doors of the east bay.

My etsy site is up and running!

2011-06-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings! I just got my etsy site up and running. Please go to:
http://www.etsy.com/people/spiritintoform if you want to see the jewelry I create.

I create some of it from new materials, but I like to use reclaimed materials as much as possible... I also use pieces of nature and random stuff I find lying around that calls to me to be made into some other incarnation...

I am inspired by all things natural, little things, and my designs will continue to evolve as this rekindled love affair with making jewelry unfolds. all my pieces are one of kind, made with love, and "intention" to detail

I also will make items to order!

the calling

2011-05-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

lost in between time zones - the west holds me in its palm. where I was born, a country with daffodils, bullfrogs and thunderstorms cradles the child yearning for 4 seasons and ever changing cloud formations. space time comes to me in sleep asking if I want to enter Pleides but I am not ready to jump so far into the unknown yet. a duckling body and swan face. sun brings warmth and a likeness to all those that breathe. it is our pleasure to bring forth sacred sound from before the physical era began. all souls recognize the calling eventually; its a calling to return home. the artist paints finger paintings in the sky. nothing lasts except the nothing underneath the silence. we run towards and away every in and out breath.

dance my life- live my dance (a spiral conversation)

2011-05-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

the notion that dancing informs life and life informs my dance is something I am just starting to explore. i have never thought of dance in such a way that it can actually inform my life. although it may be "silent", it speaks. it is a language. what is it that is needing to be expressed that comes through my dance? subconscious elements can surface through the medium of dance and movement.
i have just spent the past two days in a training with Anna Halprin. A 90 year old storehouse of knowledge, spirit, zest and gentleness, Anna is a living treasure. This weekend was about the felt, kinesthetic experience. connection with others. trusting in another.

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fool on the hill

2011-05-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

Joni sings: "I wish I had a river, I could skate away on..."

I keep thinking I should just give up. give in. not as noble sounding as surrendering. but maybe the spirit behind it ends up being the same thing in the end. what "giving up" leads to is indeed surrendering once the phase of self pity is fully experienced. right? maybe...

I have spent so many of my days longing. what am I longing for? really? longing for another person to share in my experience of this crazy whirlwind of a life? is that really it? today i wanted to give up. I, Emily Lewis, lead a solitary life in many ways. solitary in my waking, solitary in my sleeping. solitary in shopping, dancing, cooking, eating, praying, weeping, laughing, hiking, biking, walking, smiling, singing, searching for truth, writing about searching for truth, thinking, thinking about not thinking...the list goes on.

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democracy... when is the house of cards going to fall?

2011-03-10T23:45:00.000-08:00

in light of recent events in the good old midwest I thought I would take some time to go into some political ramblings which is something i don't usually do. so my blog is now opening up to whatever I need or want to write about that is most potently needing to be expressed...

i would like to point out how it is not just our individual selves that are falling apart and letting go of old structures. this unraveling is happening on a mass scale, a macro scale ALL OVER THE WORLD! the coming of 2012 isn't really so much a "coming" anymore as it is an "its here". PEOPLE: WAKE UP! We are in the middle of major shifts NOW.

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Body Wisdom

2011-03-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

Today I had a completely new experience. When I sat down to meditate I started to focus on what I would call my inner body. The inner body is like an energetic field, comprised of subtle sensations, movements, twists, contractions, expansions. It has a lot of the same qualities one would think of the physical body having but mostly energetic in capacity. It has its own movement as from what I experienced today. I had experienced this before when getting cranial-sacral, and I have experienced this in other more dramatic ways like through dancing and other forms of movement, but never on this subtle have I stayed with the inner bodies movements and will. I say will because the inner body seems to have its own will. During this process today, my mind was busy on some level, noticing what was happening, wondering how this could be happening, analyzing, trying to interpret, (doesn't sound too much like meditating I know but the inner body wanted to express itself so that is what happened instead). So what exactly happened?

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Moving from stillness

2011-03-05T12:53:00.000-08:00

Is time speeding up for anyone else out there?
From my experience, the speed at which we are living is noticeably getting faster...

"Is it raining? is it snowing? is a hurricane a blowing...
the danger must be growing, because the rowers keep on rowing..."
Gene Wilder- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

love is the key - a poem for lovers

2011-02-14T22:51:00.000-08:00

i will write the sweetest song for you my love

moments into days into years
sometimes I feel you taking form
when you find me I will be waiting with open arms

and yet, for now
my love - a river
that flows towards the mouth of the ocean
ready to merge with whole essence
swirl into loves sweet abyss

the truth of who I am is part of you
the truth is that love and sorrow dance so close in the candlelight
you cannot tell them apart

sweet sweet honey
this is love
wind and rain still make me smile

walk along the shore with me
stay up till dawn with me
you inspire me to share my stories
my life, stacks of leatherbound journals and you untie the string
the pages fall open with ease and grace
i am open here my love

my heart aching,
singing,
dancing...

today is the only day that has ever existed

2011-01-17T11:37:00.001-08:00

have you ever noticed that today is the only day you have ever lived? i am not quite sure how to explain what i mean but i am going to try. something in my internal world is shifting and with this shift everything else is changing. right now this feeling is subtle, but it is the peculiar recognition that time is not actually real. its like i am standing still and everything is moving around me. i described it to a friend in relating it to nintendo. when you are playing nintendo, you are watching things move on a screen but nothing is moving at all. the pixels are just lighting up in different areas and there is the illusion of movement. so it looks like mario is running, but really it is just an illusion that everything around him is changing. he is alsways in the same place on the screen. so it's kind of like that i some way. it's also that there is a growing sense of how nothing is actually real, not just that time isn't real. the attachments to outcomes and people are decreasing. right now that comes across as sort of detached in a dispondent way maybe, but that is because there is so much growing i need to do in the area of compassion. but to my surprise, the compassion is growing.

synchronicity and rambles

2011-01-16T18:40:00.000-08:00

This is my first blog since 2010. so happy new year. since the solstice the theme of synchronicity has been glaring me in the face, in an up-close and personal way. so much that I can't not write about it in a public forum.

what role does synchronicity play in my life? why am i experiencing more of what I perceive to be synchronistic events lately than I have in a long time? is it because I am placing more attention on when it is happening or am I placing more attention on it because things are happening that are asking for me to pay more attention to them? and how they are related? it feels kind of like a chicken and egg discussion but with a bizarre little twist. everything comes back to trust. i'll explain that later.

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101 ways to love

2010-11-21T21:36:00.000-08:00

how do we forget to love? I remember when I was a child the way I loved. so sweetly and like there was nothing else to do.
i loved my pink dress with white hearts on it.
i loved my red slipper earrings.

i loved little things. miniatures. i still have them. bunnies, figurines, all porcelain figures, glued to a narrow shelving unit.

truth and solidity

2010-09-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

is truth the only permanent thing? the truth of our beings, the truth that everyone is pushing away almost every second of the day. the truth that most of us have no clue why are here and what it is we are supposed to be doing here. the truth that if we knew the answer to the only question that really matters, (who am I?), our world and life would be rocked to the core that not many would survive with their sanity in tact.

will there ever be a feeling of solidity unwavering? i am water at the same time earth.

finding our souls' calling is the new thing that seems to be up for lots of folks now. the latest and greatest spiritual seeker's flavor of the day. I say this with some grittyness because I am here with this too. it seems cliche and that aspect kind of annoys me. It's like sometimes these words we use to identify things are so overused that they lose their meaning which is too bad because they start out pointing to some extremely important things. Do I know my soul's calling? yes, I think I do. Am I doing it? Kind of... in a round about way (wavering). what does it actually look like to "do it", to live one's soul's calling, to breath life into something that has come from the depths of creation and spirit? who are the people doing this and perhaps even with grace? and why does it seem that some people can dive into these spots while I am tiptoeing around the pool of inevitability. at some point there will be a time to dive in right? is your pool a swamp with alligators, leeches and grime waiting to twist around your ankles and pull you under? maybe. maybe that is what we need sometimes. to jump in. then to be pulled under by the very thing we have been avoiding our entire lives. we know we might just succeed and achieve something great. life is potential. living is possibility.

gentle true spirit

2010-09-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have no "special" words to record here. tonight it is late and I am going to see what comes out of my psyche and to what extent I feel comfortable publishing something that has no plan. I am turning my blog into a more general free form writing blog. not so much focused on sound and healing, but more open to any type of inspiration that comes up. my avenues of expression are too varied to try and fit my ramblings into one theme. i would need many different blogs to keep them separated and that would be crrrazy!

i went through a portal of sorts yesterday. I learned some key pieces of information about my "self" and this body and why I am here. I can't say in more detail yet what I am referring to. only that as we look deeper, trust our inner knowing, and open to possibility, this world continues to look ever more strange.

i bought Native American hoop drum last weekend. this weekend I bought a desk and a chair. a drum, a desk and a chair.

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falling in love with the bay area- 101 ways to love #37

2010-06-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

#37 falling in love with nothing in particular, but a place, a region. it's a strange phenomenon for sure. it's a not a singular directed feeling. it is wide and spacious. vast and undefined. there are no boundaries for this kind of love. i have no expectations on what this place can give me. it is the kind of love that is accepting of the dirty streets, the smell of piss in the alleys, the love of cheap thai food, 24 hour quicky marts, no stars and infinite possibilities...

Sound Healing offerings

2010-05-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I have written last. Since my last posting, I have graduated with a Certificate in Sound Healing from the Sound and Consciousness Institute in San Francisco. I am currently on the road, a cross country pilgrimage of sorts. Visiting friends and family. Getting in quality time with loved ones is such a beautiful gift. I feel grateful to have this time to travel and get to know who these important figures in my life are now. When we don't have the continuum of experiencing the day to day of someone, what parts do we miss? What parts do we hang on to that are no longer there for them but still are in our minds and memories? What are the new aspects that have been cultivated that we know nothing of? How do we continue to feel connected to friends and family despite the distance that separates us? What is the connection that we are actually experiencing? Is it located in our memories? Is it in our hearts? Is it a something that can be felt or just remembered? These questions are on the front burner today.

The Power of Chanting and Mantras

2010-03-31T12:17:00.000-07:00

“Your mind is malleable, adjusting to the “shape” of whatever dominates your consciousness. While fixation on unworthy objects degrades your mind, worthy ones elevate your awareness”.
– Kurt Bruder, Ph.D

What is it about chanting that draws in so many people? What is really going on in the brain and in the heart when we give ourselves over to chanting? Through this post I will describe the different affects that devotional chanting and mantra have on the brain and the heart and how it can be used as a tool for creating higher states of consciousness and promoting overall wellness.

What we think reflects how we will feel. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, our thoughts are not necessarily useful or beneficial to our well-being. Our mind is a creature of habit and the thought cycles can be hard to adjust after they have been there for so long. However, the upside to this is that once we do change the “program” to be a healthy one, than it is more likely to stay in place as well. Chanting and using mantras to focus one’s attention can help quiet the mind. In the book Following Sound into Silence, Kailash states “Paradoxically, selective attention to sound is the vehicle for realizing silence”. Through giving the mind one thing to focus it’s attention on you can effectively turn the volume down on all the myriad of thoughts going on simultaneously and have a more focused sense of awareness. Since our thoughts and words are electromagnetic we are then picking up on the energy in the sounds we are making. This gives us a great ability to change old thought patterns and create new realities through mantra.

Through mantra, one’s sense of self can sometimes seem to disappear. When the awareness of the self disappears, it is usually due to being so engrossed with the activity at hand that your actual self slips your minds awareness. In this way, devotional chanting can be a way to investigate dualism of “ordinary consciousness”. Kailash explains that you can actually distinguish three different aspects of yourself:

1) The subject, (which includes you the chanter and you the observer of the chant)

2) The object, you as the one who is being observed by the witness.

3) The something that seems to incorporate each of these of aspects of our self as it transcends them- “the perfection addressed and made present by the mantra being chanted”. This is the perfection that you are becoming by performance of devotional chanting.

As one becomes more comfortable with the act of devotional chanting, it becomes easier to let the “dualistic orientation” relax. One can let go of the self-consciousness of how they sound compared to others, and worries about correct pitch, volume, etc. The effects of devotional chanting are cumulative and can help with “reprogramming our mind-stream with the very sound form from the Divine” – (Kailash- “Following Sounds into Silence”)

“You become what you love”. – Kailash. Devotional chanting helps one prioritize their objects of affection. It is important to actually identify what your ideals are and can then use mantra to become these very ideals. It is not just your voice that is being sung and embodied during the chanting process. It is every part of your being. This includes your body, your mind, your thoughts, your field, your auric levels. You can use mantra as a means to rejuvenating and becoming your divine archetype. Through repetition and heart centered intentional chanting one can start to really embody the qualities he/she desires to attain. Of course, these are attributes that we already do attain. In my opinion, chanting is a way of remembering our true nature. Remembering that we have always had the qualities we are looking for now. Chanting can help us get to the place of stillness that allows us to see and remember our true nature that is already awakened!

The love and caring devotion we put into a chant can help with emotional absorption, also known as bhava samadhi, a state of one pointed passion. The amount of love and devotion you put into your chanting will affect the overall value of your experience. Surrounding yourself in sounds that are beautiful to you can be healing in and of itself. When you are the one making the sounds they become an offering to yourself. They are in essence love songs to your self.

Through your breath, you breathe life into the chants. Because sounds can affect matter, it is important to remember how much power can be found in the form of chanting a mantra. This doesn’t mean you have to chant to any certain deity. There are all sorts of mantra and chants that just use simple sounds that can put the mind in a state of peace and that bring the heart into a state of grace an ease. There are also the languages that we can make up that are unique to each person. These can be equally powerful as long as there is single-pointed attention and devotion behind them. Using the ancient chants that have been around for thousands of years can also be powerful because of the fields of love and energy that have already been well established around them. It is ultimately up to the individual to learn or make up whatever chants work for you. Thoughts and sound affect matter so chants have the power to alter and change your reality!

Resources used:

“Following Sounds into Silence”, Kailash (Kurt A. Bruder, Ph.D)
Janis Arch’s chanting classes
Randy Masters lectures
Erik Larsens lectures

seeing through new eyes every day

2010-03-15T16:56:00.000-07:00

today i saw the San Francisco bay for the first time. the first time through my perception as it is now. as perception and consciousness changes, so does the way I experience the world. this seems self evident but its helpful to take note of. when we revisit things again and again with "new eyes" it helps to fully see the progress we have made. my understandings of music, of lyrics, of poetry, of flowers, of fear, of joy, of love deepens over time creating an ever richer landscape in which to explore again and again.

the light reflecting off the peaks in the water caught my attention first. not fixing my gaze for too long on one spot opened up this whole universe of stars twinkling in the day time. bringing tears to my eyes. feeling a sort of sadness that I had not experienced the beauty of this simple but awe inspiring scene in this way before.

wondering what else have I been missing out on? how long have I been partially sleepwalking? every day, I get more into my body and every day, i can let the beauty in even deeper. sometimes it feels like it could tear me apart. the opening hurts just as much as it is joyful. the tears come from a place of complete awe and child like wonder at what else is there to see now?

"cultivate radical curiosity". this was a suggestion I received a couple years ago by a woman I respect deeply. this has stuck with me over the years and I want to put it out there to whoever is reading this blog. we all have an inner child. it is that part of us that never wants to stop seeing new things, experience new places, eat new foods, taste new chocolate. it is vital to feed this part of us! without doing so, creates a mundane and boring adult existence lacking uncontrollable laughter and food fights! do something spontaneous today. do something new each day or each week that you have been wanting to do but have thought, "no, i can't do that! that's too silly". if it's silly then it SHOULD be done. now, this is just one way to "cultivate radical curiosity". the one that sounds good to me today. life is TOO short to not laugh every day. i'm going to stop before this totally sounds like an inspirational speaker blog posting. eh what the heck. i don't really care. maybe people need motivation like this. enjoy your radical curiosity cultivation!!!

Trust

2010-03-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

the body is a learning tool. the mind is a learning tool as well but in order to take action we must integrate the learning into our bodies. all the intellectualizing in the world falls short of success if we don't know how to execute what it is we are learning. this has been the missing piece for me. it seems accurate to say that we need to first build the solid foundation of inner trust before we can leap into the unknown. if i am weak in trust, how can I take action? i will not get off the ground because my bones are felt as feeble and may break on the way back down. if I am solid and stable in my bones, in my body, then I am only wondering how high can I jump, not how it may hurt if and when I land. I trust my body can and will support me. I trust that I may not land where I thought I was going to land but it's ok because I am supported by my own strength. although there are outside influences that can support us, it is ultimately up to our own inner strength and trust to make these leaps and strides that we know we want to make. where does this trust arise from? practice doing the things that scare us? how do we initially do something that scares us? what I am learning is that our bodies have the answers but that I haven't been listening to it. I have been looking to my physical mind to make certain decisions for a long time. this has usually left me in a state of frustration and confusion. there is an inner tug of war that goes on. there is an impulse to move and take action and then there is mind and thought that immediately goes into fear mode.

in building this foundation of inner strength and trust i can act without the mental noise being so loud that it inhibits the action my body instinctively knows that it needs to take. no longer is the mind (as visualized in the head) the only thing that I appear to be moving from. i am remembering that mind can be and is found in all parts of my body. my hand has consciousness. my feet have mind. the totality of our being does not feel aligned when moving from our brains alone. this is what has felt off. where are we looking for the answers to guide us? we can start to look within our entire being. trusting that we can move and act from a place with more confidence because it feels aligned with our body mind.

what is it that holds us back? self doubt? lack of self confidence? Fear? check in with yourself. where does the fear come up? is it around every turn? every decision? waiting in the corner to jump out right before you are to make a move that could change your life as you know it? why does this fear come up? and how can we start to move from a place of trust into the unknown? the illusion that anything is ever going to be known before it happens is just that. an illusion. we can set up things just so in our life so that our life is predictable is most cases. we understand that there is cause and effect. judging by past experiences we can get pretty good at doing one action to get a desired effect. some may say, yeah this sounds good! i would like my life to be without surprise so that I feel safe and supported and not scared anymore. if everything is set up "just so" than i don't need to worry and fret about the future and I can finally breathe. does this really feel true though? to me, this feels like building the illusion to be even stronger than it was before. humans are incredibly intelligent and underneath the most thought out plan is the reality that we don't ever know how the next moment is going to be. we don't know that tomorrow we are going to have our job, our partner, our cat, our car, our sanity, our sense of sight. why am i going off in this tangent? it all comes back to trust. trusting that where we put our next step will be the one leading us in the direction of our potential. do we want to walk towards the unknown that our soul is gently nudging us to?

Carolyne Myss says, "our biography becomes our biology". What does this mean? The stories we tell ourselves, the events we experience in our lifetime, the resistance or welcoming we may experience to certain events, people, times, weather, smells, music, etc, becomes integrated into our bodies. experiences are felt and sometimes can pass through. and sometimes they don't pass through, they stick.

So, my focus is to continue to cultivate trust in myself so that i may start to listen more closely to my entire being, to listen to my soul's gentle whispers on why it is I am here. ah! the big question! don't we want to know what the heck we are doing here? (more on that large topic later!) So, I pledge on this blog my commitment to trust. that i may start to move from my entire being, trusting it to guide me. knowing that there will be fear in some places but as the trust develops so does the fear diminish. our beings have so much potential to let fear inhibit what we can do in our lifetimes. the ultimate goal here for me is to reach my maximum potential and then beyond. the maximum potential continues to increase as we keep hitting the maximum threshold! how exciting!

being in my bones

2010-03-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

an excerpt from Lisa Rafel's poem "The Room":

"I know nothing in this room
everything and nothing
time waits here to make my music
any instrument I want
no sound
but i know
like the lightswitch on the right
it's all the door"

As I heard this poem today, it struck a deep chord within me. it's the same concept I have been dancing around for a while but this time it penetrated me, flooded me with a real understanding all the way through. it's all the door! using someone else's model won't work for me. a mentor would be nice. however, i cannot continue to do things as i have been doing them and expect to get a different result. or no result as the case may be.

feeling my bones, really getting into my bones, not my heart, not my veins, not my skin, but my BONES. this has been a life changing event. i am not the same as i was this morning. i am more here than i was before. ready to actually be present and feel all the way through.

the quality of the sensations in my body is different than before. why am i writing this and making it public? as an inspiration and an invitation to whoever is reading this. an invitation for you to feel your bones as you never have before. an invitation to inhabit your body as fully as you can. the joy of being in a body can be the greatest joy if we make friends with it. no longer trying to run away from feeling all the way through. if my bones are strong enough, i have the capacity to feel anything all the way through. in this solidity and from this stable place, we can be guided. strong enough to walk into the darkness of a room. trusting that there is light beyond the darkness. there is access to light always. i have the ability to trust myself, my bones, my value, my worth and to trust that my body can guide me to the "instrument" i chose to make my music.

my soul guided me to be here. my brain can't take the credit for that one.

reflections on boundaries-

2010-02-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

learned about boundaries last night in class. where other people's energetic boundaries are. where our's are. where they are perceived to be and how to hone in our abilities in sensing where another's boundaries are. all very important aspects in terms of facilitating healing.

learning how other individual's boundaries flow and fluctuates, we can operate from a keener sense of awareness with them, and with ourselves in the healing session.

Swan

2010-02-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

Swan, the power of woman entering Sacred Space, touching future yet to come - bringing eternal grace.

Dancing through poses, while chanting the sounds of the chakras, I am grace. we all are. life is simple when we are not resisting what it is offering us in each moment. when the stories fade and dissolve there is nothing but stillness and a resting in that stillness. when all resistance has given up resisting the vulnerable part of me, my heart, opens and gives in. gives in to being totally ok. there really isn't anything that is out of place. there never was. there never will be.

i am doing this. i am not doing anything else. where is your attention at right now? is it on these words? is it on the rain outside? then that is where it is. can i move forward in this way? i have no idea. there is a moving that is happening and its a transformation that isn't trying to transform. i have no clue how other people go through life. i have no clue how i do for that matter. what drives me to do anything is completely unknown. i sometimes think i am going really slow, but then i wonder, what does this even mean? am i supposed to be rushing to get somewhere else?

Swan says to Dragonfly, "I will be happy to abide by Great Spirit's plan. I won't fight the currents of the black hole. I will surrender to the flow of the spiral and trust what I am shown."

Swan medicine teaches us to be at one with all planes of consciousness, and to trust in Great Spirit's protection.

I am ok, I am safe.

Trusting, surrendering and having patience. Themes from the dreamtime creep subtly in to my waking world and help guide me through this process. Woke up this morning with my 5th grade (and very favorite!) teacher Jan Laverty's name in my head. Her presence or the essence of her was very real. that is all I can say.

dance activation

2010-02-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

tonight i got another round of dance activation. this actually took place at the school I am attending. Through exploring a set of sounds and movements I got my chakras spinning and activated.

life in oakland

2010-01-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

been in oakland for three days. the rain only stops for short stints and then it is back again. i have the sense here that anything is possible. maybe i am still in the "new place" lust phase. everything continues to fall away and crumble but there is a different quality to it here. there is space for it to happen and nobody will notice as this process happens. the ones that do will understand maybe what i am talking about. there is always more letting go to do. it feels more accepted here for me to be who i want to be day to day. what good is a stable foundation to support you if there is a ceiling right above your head? it doesn't feel like there is a ceiling here. and while the support may initially need to come from me, that feels ok. it feels more right to me now anyway.

sitting in the easy life made me complacent, lazy almost. does changing locations change these qualities? does "right place" work in terms of bringing out change in an individual? i can't know the answer to this. all i know is that i am not freaking out being here. i like the grittyness of this place. it is raw, it is real. in some sense, it is palpable. Bend appeats more polished than ever from this viewpoint and that was really nice to have for a time. there is something limiting that it brought up in me the entire time i was there. not feeling grounded. not feeling like my edge could be expressed fully there. or maybe not feeling like i wanted to explore my edge there. not feeling inspired to do so.

none of this is a reflection on loved ones there, for any of you who might be reading this. it is of course all about me, right?

i need to write these thoughts down. this is where i am at now and this is what is real for me now. i start Sound Healing classes tonight and am about to embark on a sort of inner sound exploration. i don't know what this will bring up in me but i do know that there is a forgetting in me that happens unless i check in to my heart in stillness and silence.

there is this stillness here. it is me. there is also this real potential for lots of fire and action. i have found and heard this underlying YES to me being here which is a clear indicator that i am where i need to be. and if i was still in Bend than that is where I would have needed to be as well. this life is not about regretting. it is about doing, being and breathing through it. it is about knowing that where i am is here and the rest isn't real. can i trust? can i be patient with the unfolding that is inevitably going to happen here?

can i take things slow and enjoy the "process"? for a triple fire sign this isn't the easiest thing to do. I WILL BE HEARD. this, my mantra, given to me before I left, is what I have to go on.

I WILL BE HEARD. I WILL BE HEARD. I WILL BE HEARD.

whether in music, communicating day to day, it doesn't matter so much. what matters is that we all have voices and mine has equal value. is it time for me to step up to this truth and completely own it. i can be heard.

now, what message is it that I want to be heard??? more to come.

Community

2009-11-14T13:58:00.001-08:00

old heart, new heart

2009-11-09T15:53:00.000-08:00

i have the image in my mind of the old heart that no longer serves me, it is withering. I thought I should repair its wounds, weave it in with the new but that has not seemed to work. instead it hangs by a couple threads to the new heart which anxiously awaits to shine, anew, on it's own. there is no use to hanging on to a safety blanket which covers the heart which is a truer expression of my essence...

the old is, like a scab, falling away.

so, i am stepping in to a new phase, with open arms and open soft eyes, ready to experience the world.

time and space

2009-11-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

no longer working. so much time and space. feeling the expansion slowly

with my heart in my hands

2009-09-20T17:55:00.000-07:00

hope to write some inspirational words here for your eyes to read, your heart to expand,
your body to soften into this mystery we call life.