heart breaking...OPEN!

the following entry started from an email I just wrote to a dear friend of mine. we share pieces of our journey with each other along the winding road to find liberation and truth...
i felt compelled to share it here as well. as i was writing it i had a realization
and something shifted...
 

things have been trying here

for the past month but I have started going to satsangs

regularly which has given me perspective. saw adya this past weekend and then Isaac Shapiro

last night. i think i need to take an adya break. i noticed

how heady his talk was and it seemed quite unavailable for my

somatic experience. i have been slowing way down and taking

time to listen to my heart. re-starting up a conscious dialogue has been such

an interesting endeavor. the heart is so subtle but it does have so much wisdom

if only we are still enough to listen. i guess you could say my heart

has been breaking open recently. i am really looking at how

there is no subject and object in truth, only the verb that is happening.

this, of course, fucks with my mind and it doesn't understand it but

some part of "me" understands it. like, "he is not disappointing me"

"but there is disappointment happening". so, back to the old idea

of there isn't really a doer doing anything to "me". isaac talked a lot about

this last night. and the idea of choice and free will has been coming up

a lot at these satsangs so it is in the fore front of whats being looked at.

although i get that maybe we don't have choice, but there is the illusion

that we are making choices, it still makes me wonder who is to be

held accountable and responsible all for the killing, rape, murder, war, etc???

if there isn't actually anyone choosing to enact these things onto other then

who is responsible? right when I wrote "other" i got something.

it's that there is no other and the war, rape, murder is what we are ALL

doing to "ourselves" daily....fuck. it looks like these things are happening to

individuals but really it is all happening to all of us and yet simultaneously not happening

to anyone because there is only the illusion that there is someone there to be

having the experience. oh dear...

what have i stepped upon???

so, now as I am re-reading those lines, i want to also acknowledge that
there is also the whole spectrum of things in experience happening as
well, (love, gratitude, giving, embracing, service, etc...). But these are also
not actually being "done" to anyone either. it is all arising from some magical
place, the great mystery...love is loving. giving is giving. hunger is
hungering. rain is raining. all efforts to resist what is naturally arising
is FUTILE. resistance is the quickest way to more suffering and I am seeing this more
clearly each day. what is naturally arising in my experience is not of my doing.
how much attention is placed on it is also, not something I think I am actually doing.
it seems that there is choice on where I put my attention but I am not sure if this
is true anymore. when i look into this...it feels like there is an impulse to act so the
fingers are typing. what words will be written are coming from the mystery, the place
where all things arise and fall back into. the waves come in. the waves go out.
there is no real reason. sometimes they come in. sometimes they go out.
so what is driving the impulses? what is driving your car? who is driving your
life? there is a focus in society to "take control of your life" blah blah blah. but
what does this really mean? there seems to be a real struggle built into those
words from the beginning. the need to "have control" is something that comes
from a place of fear ultimately. it feels like the physical version would be
that of gripping onto something, a clenching, and a contracting. an active
clinging onto an idea that we are in fact, in charge.


who is controlling what? when I look inside and ask am "I" in control, i can't say
an honest yes. The "I" knows its not in control. The body -mind has the experience
of free will and choice which seems like a fun game to play with myself and my ego
definitely likes it but I don't think it is true and this concept is starting to be seen as just that, a concept.

i feel like I am getting too heady myself now so I am going to stop writing. i am going to
explore this more in the felt sense and then will write more on it later possibly.

space to heal, space to feel

whoa- 2012 is already proving to be a rich year. i am not sure which way is up and which is down. feeling pretty disoriented and confused for the most part. old patterns are reemerging and attempting to reassert themselves in my body and mind. i have been entertaining some of them and feeling what it really feels like to be giving in to old habits even though I know they are not what I ultimately want. and simultaneously with this, there is also really magical stuff occurring in and outside of me. my dreams have been super vivid and insightful. last night I had a lucid dream about my roommate and I was explaining to her how we were both dreaming! I haven't talked to her yet about this but I wonder if she had a dream involving me too! this past full moon was one of the strongest I have felt in years! I recently deactivated my facebook account partly so that I could free up time to be in nature and to take away things that unnecessarily suck my time. the very fact that I have been so connected with this moon is a very good sign to me. this seems to be working but it takes time to "unwind" the seeking and outward habits of social networks such as facebook. I am really fascinated by the affects that facebook has on me. I found myself doing things i thought I'd never do, felt like a secret spy navigating through other peoples worlds. why? i have no clue! because they were my friends and i could look at all their pictures of their travels for the last 5 years...I digress. the point is, that I have been looking at the where I put my attention and wanting to be intentional about where I spend my time and energy. it was clear at the end of 2011 that I wanted to start out 2012 with a clean slate and with as little distractions as possible to help aid me on my journey. so what did I do? i started creating more and more distractions...yes. that's right. all things to keep me away from sitting silently. i have been feeling lots of feelings for sure. but sitting with them until I start to see through to the true nature of them? NO way! I feel like a 5 year old that just got her ice cream taken away and stubbornly won't talk to my mom because I am pissed. there is so much inner turmoil and resistance to just sitting still and letting all this "stuff" erupt and clear out. not all the time though. last night after my crazy lucid dream i got up to go the bathroom. after laying back down i tossed and turned and could not fall back asleep. i don't know how long i layed there, a while. finally i got so fed up that i just started crying. crying out of frustration, crying because I was so tired but couldn't sleep. the tears were sincere. i felt a resonance with all the other people that were tossing and turning in their beds. after i allowed myself to release through tears i fell right asleep. in this letting go, in this giving up there is rest. there is peace. i can feel how tightly i want to hold on to certain things in my life that just aren't working anymore. i am resistant to saying goodbye to certain people, to certain foods, substances, thoughts. i know that this is my work for this year. to honor and thank those things for how they have served me thus farand to start to release them, one by one. to say a "last goodbye" in the words of Jeff Buckley. i feel a deep pull to go inward, further, deeper and as sincere as I can possibly be about where I am at. I have been doing so much outward seeking since Jan 1st. I see the futility of this. like Adyashanti says it is the hungry ghost. no matter what I feed myself, no matter what thoughts i entertain, how i try to give myself certain things, there is still a hunger for something more. i haven't been able to fill myself up. on one level i know its because I am already whole, full, love. i don't totally know this though. there are these deep feelings of lack, unworthiness, mistrust, blah blah blah. these are the very things I need to sit with and see through all the way. so...it is January. we are in the "dead" of winter. i feel this in my bones, in my spirit. this is the time to retreat. to sleep more if you feel you need it, to eat nourishing foods, to be gentle on yourself. this is not the time for action. for big changes. big resolutions in the middle of winter seem like a set-up for failure to me. yes, i think we can make intentions for the year but i don't think its reasonable to try and start some big action oriented project(s) or workout regimens when this is the time for rest and rejuvination. spring is the time to hatch your ideas into being! ok, this was a lot more than I planned to write. this is a very raw and honest glimpse into my current experience. i don't have any filters anymore. there is nothing to hide here. my goal with this blog is to name and state the things I am going through that most people go through but they attach an extra layer of shame on them and don't speak about them. i figure if I am honest and speaking my truth it will free up others to do the same!

2012- A year of rebirth and rememberence

2012 is here folks. There are lots of projections about how intense this year is going to be. I have been feeling like its going to be a "big" year myself. What is actually happening? What is happening in "here" (in us, our hearts, minds, bodies) is what is happening out "there". Struggle, war, disease, confusion, sure. But also, a real awakening, opening, the longing to connect in deeper ways with eachother is being giving a voice. the voice is represented by the actions that we are carrying out in our day to day. the way we embody and represent union with everything is not only exhibited in lofty goals that we set, but it is in each breath, each thing we do, think, say moment to moment. do not let others huge plans of success marginalize your offerings to the world. as i write this i am reminding myself of this as well. when we remember that we are all the same source, the "one" we can breath in the successes and fortunes of others as our own. we can rejoice that others are moving forward, expanding, increasing our "light quotient". each of us has something unique that only we can offer.
no one can do it YOUR way. another aspect that I want to point out which may seem obvious is that this is your life, and you can do whatever you want with it. ok, breathe. really take this in. you can do whatever you want. i don't think most people actually live this way. this is a stern reminder that we are free. liberation is not somewhere we need to get to. it is what we are already. how are we un-liberating ourselves day to day? what are the ways that you have put yourself in a cage and remained small. we all do this in some form. but it is a new chapter. we are not serving anyone through staying small, quiet, contracted. 2012 is the year to be reborn, stretch out your wings and see how big you can possibly be, how high you can fly...
affirm that you are free, unlimited, and unique. know that when you use your gifts you inspire others to do the same and this creates a positive ripple affect throughout the world.

The archetype I am getting is that of the Phoenix. rising out of the ashes, the Phoenix is reborn, and sings a beautiful song as it emerges from the ashe. this image is powerful. the part of the cycle that we are coming into for 2012 is that of rising out of the ashes. some of us may still be feeling the burning, but after the fire there will be rebirth, to be sure. this could take the whole year, whatever. the timing doesn't matter. be real. be honest about where you are and what you can give. give yourself breathe first. gain the phoenix's perspective from up above, see that there are bigger forces at work.

"what do you plan to do with your one wile crazy life?"
-Mary Oliver