been in oakland for three days. the rain only stops for short stints and then it is back again. i have the sense here that anything is possible. maybe i am still in the "new place" lust phase. everything continues to fall away and crumble but there is a different quality to it here. there is space for it to happen and nobody will notice as this process happens. the ones that do will understand maybe what i am talking about. there is always more letting go to do. it feels more accepted here for me to be who i want to be day to day. what good is a stable foundation to support you if there is a ceiling right above your head? it doesn't feel like there is a ceiling here. and while the support may initially need to come from me, that feels ok. it feels more right to me now anyway.
sitting in the easy life made me complacent, lazy almost. does changing locations change these qualities? does "right place" work in terms of bringing out change in an individual? i can't know the answer to this. all i know is that i am not freaking out being here. i like the grittyness of this place. it is raw, it is real. in some sense, it is palpable. Bend appeats more polished than ever from this viewpoint and that was really nice to have for a time. there is something limiting that it brought up in me the entire time i was there. not feeling grounded. not feeling like my edge could be expressed fully there. or maybe not feeling like i wanted to explore my edge there. not feeling inspired to do so.
none of this is a reflection on loved ones there, for any of you who might be reading this. it is of course all about me, right?
i need to write these thoughts down. this is where i am at now and this is what is real for me now. i start Sound Healing classes tonight and am about to embark on a sort of inner sound exploration. i don't know what this will bring up in me but i do know that there is a forgetting in me that happens unless i check in to my heart in stillness and silence.
there is this stillness here. it is me. there is also this real potential for lots of fire and action. i have found and heard this underlying YES to me being here which is a clear indicator that i am where i need to be. and if i was still in Bend than that is where I would have needed to be as well. this life is not about regretting. it is about doing, being and breathing through it. it is about knowing that where i am is here and the rest isn't real. can i trust? can i be patient with the unfolding that is inevitably going to happen here?
can i take things slow and enjoy the "process"? for a triple fire sign this isn't the easiest thing to do. I WILL BE HEARD. this, my mantra, given to me before I left, is what I have to go on.
I WILL BE HEARD. I WILL BE HEARD. I WILL BE HEARD.
whether in music, communicating day to day, it doesn't matter so much. what matters is that we all have voices and mine has equal value. is it time for me to step up to this truth and completely own it. i can be heard.
now, what message is it that I want to be heard??? more to come.
